Writers
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Forum
workshop:
fiction
with Fiction Tutor Penny Deacon
Jo Margereson wrote a story for a competition run by a local newspaper. It didn’t win but
received positive feedback, so she sent it to The Weekly News, but without success. She says:
‘As it was the first story I wrote I’m probably too emotionally involved with it and have to
accept that it’s not good enough to sell. Any feedback would be a great help.’
A
ll writers will sympathise with that choked with smoke as the next wave of soldiers ‘yawn’. Certainly not in the middle of trench
emotional involvement, Jo. It does no waited, cold, wet, afraid. warfare. The next thing I notice is that the
good to be told not to take rejection person- second sentence gives ‘the company’ unlikely
ally because it still hurts. You have, however, The first thing I did was to get rid of group awareness and communal eyes which
chosen a tough field in which to start a writ- ‘from the roaring guns’ – where else was the all burn: it doesn’t make sense (yes, I know
ing career. There is already an abundance of sound coming from? Trust your readers to you are really talking about Harry and Albert
great writing about the First orld W ar W – understand that the guns are there. I’ve also but that’s not what the grammar says). You
poetry, drama, novels and short stories, not to changed the word order slightly so that all need to rebuild it. You don’t want the clichéd
mention the wealth of primary sources such the sounds come together rather than being ‘sea of mud’ (which is curiously able to yawn
as letters and diaries whose impact is tremen- interrupted by the smoke. – avoid mixed metaphors!) to come back,
dously powerful. Details of tin helmets might be useful either. What about something like this?
This means that anyone choosing to write somewhere else but you don’t need them
about this period needs not only to write while you’re painting a broad background, A reeking soup of men and mud was in front of
well, with a distinct voice that carries convic- nor do the screams add anything we can’t them. The company crashed forward. Men fell on
tion and a real sense of time and place, but imagine at this point. The important thing is every side and their eyes burned with smoke and
also needs to have something original to say. that you are leading up to the introduction of blurred in the rain.
I’d like to focus on style to start with and a single character. You need to put in a para-
perhaps say a few words about content graph break so that he takes centre stage from It’s not perfect but it is less overloaded and
towards the end. this point onwards. lets the action move on without interruption.
This story is certainly packed with power- Your story has a high emotional content: It can be a mistake to put in too many
ful description and your style is distinctive. war, friendship, loyal pet. These are the ingre- anecdotes of the past when you are trying to
I really like your opening sentence: Death dients of a very rich recipe. You run the risk of establish a character’s mood and background,
conducted her morbid concert with a foul array losing readers who may find your treatment especially where you want your reader to be
of instruments. It’s punchy and full of moody of the subject sentimental. The way to avoid interested in what is about to happen to that
atmosphere. It also draws me in because I this charge is to keep your writing spare and character. In a novel you would spread these
want to know what situation generates this not overload it with adjectives. glimpses of the past over several chapters; in
comment. It’s a great metaphor, and I quickly When you describe Harry, does he really a short story you cannot simply put them all
realised that this was part of the more com- have to have ‘eyes glazed, black pits in his pal- in, you have to select only what adds to the
mon metaphor of the ‘theatre of war’. lid face. A faint smile haunted his split lips as he mood. This is why I would cut down the ref-
You continue with the image, developing looked down beside him.’ You could at least lose erence to the Clydesdales. In fact I would end
the ‘wall of sound’, the ‘percussion’, the ‘shrilling the faint smile and split lips and just let him that memory with ‘toiled on the farm’. If you
shrapnel’ and I began to find myself distracted look down at the dog. By overloading your go on to the tears and the speculation about
from the subject into wondering just how writing with adjectives, you stop your read- the fate of the horses you take your reader
long and far you were going to extend the ers moving on to what you want to tell them with you and then, because the issue is not
idea. It’s at this point that a gripping opening next because they need to time to adjust their resolved, leave them wondering instead
becomes weak. mental picture to the one you are insisting on. of concentrating on what is happening to
There is a point in writing where descrip- Let them fill some of it in themselves. Albert.
tion turns into over-writing and I think this It’s a useful exercise to go through your I would also ask you to consider ‘laboured’
is one of the reasons why your work has not work and see what happens when you take rather than ‘toiled’ because the latter tends to
been accepted. out most of the descriptive detail. What you have rather emotional overtones. I really like
Look at your opening. I would suggest have left might be underwritten but it will the reference to Albert’s ‘mother in her tiny
some heavy editing here so that you don’t give you the bones of your narrative and let scullery’, and the way he ‘smelt the familiar
lose the initial impact, or bury the introduc- you know whether they are strong enough to mix of carbolic and cabbage’. Smell is a very
tion of your main character. support what you want to say. powerful stimulus to memory.
For instance, a sentence from later in the In the interests of avoiding the clichés of
Death conducted her morbid concert with a foul extract might be reduced to: In front of them sentimentality I would also suggest that you
array of instruments. Solid walls of sound were mud yawned. The company crashed forward, avoid putting human emotions on to Pip. If
pierced by shrilling shrapnel; spitting machine aware that men were falling away on either side you simplify your introduction of him you
guns provided the percussion. The noise was of them, their eyes burning with smoke. The make him more real: ‘Harry’s terrier Pip looked
heavy on the trenches and the blood-cloyed air was first thing I now realise is that mud does not up at him. Caked in sludge he shivered, tremors
14 Writers
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Forum #99
WF99JAN14.indd 1 24/11/2009 09:55:36
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