Writers Forum #99 January 2010

STORY WORKSHOP
Extracts from
True Friendship
by Jo Marger
eson
Death conducted her morbid concer
t with a foul array of instr
uments. Solid walls of sound from the

roaring guns were pierced b
y the shrilling shrapnel r
icocheting off tin helmets;
the spitting machine guns
QUICKFIX
providing the percussion o
verlaid by the hissing r
ain. The blood cloy
ed air choked with smok
e was ripped
apart with screams and spatter
ing thuds, the sounds laying heavy o
with Vanda Inman
ver the trenches as the ne
xt wave of
soldiers waited, cold,
wet, afraid.
Albert shuddered,
swallowing the r
ising bile in his throat.
Pulling his helmet do
wn and collar up
, he
Telling tales
tried to shield himself from the per
sistent rain soaking them to the skin.
His cigarette was too wet to

stay lit and instead he che
wed it, concentrating hard to stop himself thinking
. Nothing could shut it out.

Closing his eyes he saw his mother in her tiny sculler
y, smelt the familiar mix of carbolic and cab
bage;
his father harnessing his two bay Clydesdales who toiled on the f
arm; saw him crying as the
Army took
the two gentle mares f
or the war effort.
Albert’s deep green ey
es misted as he imagined them stuck

in a waterlogged battleﬁ
eld, the guns that they pulled sinking in the strength sucking mire
. He spat his
cigarette into the mud.
Beside him, Har
ry was standing in a daz
e, eyes glazed, black pits in his pallid f
ace.
A faint smile haunted his split lips as he look
ed down beside him.
Up to his belly in putr
id water, Harry’s
terrier Pip looked up at him with the ey
es of an animal unab
le to understand the nightmares of men but

unwilling to leave his master
. Caked in sludge he shivered,
tremors rippling under his skin,
but he stood
resolute, a low gro
wl rumbling in his quiver
ing throat. The company had tak
en to him the day his b
lack
head with tan tipped o
ver ears appeared poking out of Har
ry’s trench coat. Har
r
As writers, we are all continually
y had found him,
starved
and frightened, roaming the ﬁ
elds around the village where the soldier
telling our tales. But sometimes
s had been sent on leave
, oozing
muck from a deep gash scythed do
wn one side. The men had f
more is needed than simply
ound Pip’s presence cathar
tic, sharing food
from their rations
, laughing when he snar
explaining the plot. When
led so ﬁ ercely that it made him sneez
e. He rewarded them b
y
killing the reviled r
ats that inf
someone reads your work it
ested the trenches
. Despite the kindness of the other soldier
s, Pip always
went back to Har
needs to unfold before them like a
ry, sleeping curled up under the chin of the man who he had pledged his f
aithful heart
ﬁ lm, and this is achieved through
to. Harry’s eyes sought
Albert’s. They had been fr
iends since they were toddler
s, their fathers wor
king the action and dialogue as opposed to
land together. Barely eighteen,
they had joined up with f
ervour. The super
iority of the Allies would ensure
simply telling what is happening.
their return home b
y Christmas gloated the daily paper
s; the soldiers would retur
n to their homes with

Many writers waste precious
tales of daring do to re
gale their families with.
Never, in their wor
st nightmares had they imagined that

words explaining a character’s
Hell really did exist on ear
th. After staring without seeing him,
Harry held out a shaking hand.
Albert took
background or looks, but carefully
it in his own, his green ey
es never leaving the troub
led blue of his friend. chosen snippets can put the
reader in the picture without
‘You’ll be alright Ber
tie,’ he whispered,
‘I’ll be with you, alw
ays.’ He spoke with difﬁ
culty, his breath shallo
lengthy passages that bring the
w
and thick in his throat and bef
ore Albert could reply
, the whistle blew
.
story to a halt. Try the following
to add movement to your plot:
A fearful cry rang do
wn the trench and the line of w
aiting soldiers sw
armed up the ladder
s. Albert lost
his footing in the sludge
, dropping to his knees
● Write a piece explaining what is
. Dragging himself up
, he saw Harry disappear o
ver the top
and felt four small paws scr
happening. Then rewrite using only action
abbling up his body as Pip
, desperate to be at Har
ry’s side, launched himself

out of the trench.
and dialogue.
Albert scrambled up to be at Har
ry’s shoulder. Silence
. In the seconds that f
ollowed,
the sky imploded.
The force of the ho
witzer shells exploding into the lines of adv
ancing men blew them
● Write a snapshot portraying a character
face down into the quagmire
, their ofﬁ cer screaming at them to get back on their f
eet. He howled at his
in a certain mood. Then ask someone to
counterpart further along the line to do the same but the soldier
s could no longer hear sounds made in

guess which mood your character is in.
this world. In front of them a sea of mud y
awned, a reeking soup of man and mud.
The company crashed

(A good exercise for writing groups.)
forward blindly, aw
are that men were f
alling away on either side of them,
their eyes burning with smok
e
and driving rain. P
anicked, Albert tur
ned to Harry. He w
as no longer there
.
● Cut out all unnecessary explanations
from your story, leaving only those you
really need.
rippling under his skin.’ in a simpler but more personal situation
I didn’t understand why he was growling where you can find something new to say. ● Write a piece with no explanations at
so I’m afraid I thought that should also go. He I’m sorry if you find this a negative all. Use action, dialogue, monologue and
is now behaving as a dog and any emotional response. You certainly have writing ability ﬂ ashback to portray all your reader
response to him belongs, quite properly, to the but I do not think you have yet found your needs to know.
soldiers who adopted him. Or to the reader. own ‘voice’. Look on this as an exercise in
Later on you say that Pip is ‘desperate to which you successfully completed a task and ● Ensure you have sufﬁ cient conﬂ ict in
be at Harry’s side’. You could lose this and from which you have learned about atmos- your story to keep it moving.
just have him scrambling, in normal doggy phere and the construction of a story, and go
fashion, on to Harry’s shoulder – your read- on to set yourself the challenge of writing ● Allow your characters to come to life, to
ers will put in the emotional overtones for something simpler and more relevant to your move, speak and think on the page. They
themselves. own life. Don’t give up! will cease to be cardboard cut-outs and
I said I would come to the subject of con- become real people.
tent, and this is the other issue which I think Penny Deacon is a teacher and
publishers might have with your story. It is a writer. She has written half a dozen Tell your tale but show your story in the
rather overworked theme: the soldier saved
romantic novels and, most recently,
best possible way.
by the ghost of his friend, plus the little dog
two successful crime novels. Send
loyal to the death. Your story is moving but it
your writing (800 words max) to
Vanda Inman runs distance-learning courses
does not feel original and I think you might
workshop@writers-forum.com
telling us about yourself and the help you need.
▲
and a critique service through her company
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Writers
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