Clogs, camels,


and crayfish: Sports at their weirdest


By Matthew Kettle, Business Manager


from creating paradims of technological genius to various inane competitions that seem to have only been created so that gamblers can bet on the outcomes. The favorite pastime of the human race does seem to be physical games though, not solving Pi. So for those of the student body who are still searching for their niche in the sporting world, consider these alternatives to football... -Yabbie Races: Crayfish, also


P


known as “yabbies,” race around a small canvas in an attempt to slide across the finish line first. Now, first of all, if you’re bored enough to even think about rac- ing “deformed lobsters” around a track, there’s definitely something wrong with you. Somehow, throngs of people gather to see these races and even bet large amounts of money on the winner. The only problem: Yabbies have no idea how to race! Apparently they weren’t created to entertain the masses with lightening fast speeds. But this event spreads hope to their fellow crusta- ceans: don’t settle for the melted butter.


-Clog Cobbing: The fine art of


chucking a clog as far as humanly pos- sible is the main objective of this unorth- odox sport. Contestants throw a clog, a weight that is attached to an animal’s leg to hinder movement. Obviously, there’s got to be more to a clog’s life than just being attached to a horse’s leg. So what could you possibly do with these things other than chuck them for no appar- ent reason? So whenever you’re sitting there, bored, just grab the nearest clog and throw it—you’ll experience the new definition of “fun.”


-Camel Wrestling: You see two


camels. What would you do? Well, some guys over in Turkey decided that they should make them fight, and so the offi- cial camel wrestling sport came into ex- istence. If you thought wrestling was in- tense, imagine two, specially bred camels doing it! That’s not something you see every day in southern California! “And on your left, right, and everywhere else: a beach. Up ahead, two camels brawling it out on the street corner.” That would make anyone’s day. Besides, how valued are camels in today’s society? People don’t go to the zoo to see camels, they’re all interested in elephants and other more “interesting animals.” But what can be more interesting than camels? Think about it.


eople have done some pretty in- sane things for entertainment,


The Tailfeathers S


“Money doesn’t make you happy. I now have $50 million, but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.” - Anonymous


The Practical Applications of Science


By Connor Horn, Backpage Editor


cience is pretty much meaningless. Okay, so maybe that’s a contro-


versial statement. Believe it or not, even in this modern age there are still people who blather on incessantly about how science is the “key to a better future” and other such nonsense. They think that just because they have PhDs, large houses, big salaries, fancy cars, and world-class educations, that they somehow know more than your typical adolescent high school student. Every day they try to teach you stuff that just doesn’t matter as much as the current hit radio single of choice, and you just wish you could get by without hearing about all of this meaningless science. Well today, I’m going to tell you the


only things you’ll ever need to know about science. Seriously, drop whatever science class you have right now, read this article, and go to college, in that exact order. You will have so much time saved.


Lenz’s Law – The text of Lenz’s Law


is “An induced current is always in such a direction as to oppose the motion or change causing it.” Now, those were some complex phrases all up ins, and I didn’t really understand half of it, the general idea you need to take away that if you try to change something, there will be an induced current going “AW NAW THAT IS NOT HAPPENING GOOD SIR, VERILY.” What this means is that it is pretty difficult to change anything, and so you should never try to attempt to make a difference because it is simply too hard, and you should just lie down and give up. That’s science, man. Elec- tromagnetic science. You should never try to ever do anything with your life because you will fail miserably, scientifi- cally speaking. Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle –


First thing you need to do know is that this principle has to do with theoretical physics, so make sure you work it into every essay you ever write so that your teacher goes, “Theoretical physics?! In


T H E


B O


X


an essay about the Vietnam War? This person must be the MIRACLE CHILD!” and then they’ll flip over their desk and start singing about how they have raised a king amongst men which’ll probably make you feel pretty cool. The other thing you need to know is that the Uncertainty Principle says that indirect measurement of particles can only ever relate the state of that particle when it was measured and not at its current state, which in the vernacular translates to, “You basically just don’t know anything ever.” This is the excuse you should always give when you fail a test, classes, entire grades, whatever. “But mother, I only knew the answers in terms of as they were when I was taught them, not as they were dur- ing the actual test!” Trust me, using this excuse will make you sound like THE smartest person on the bus to military school. Ptolemy’s Theorem – If a teacher


ever tries to teach you this, politely remind them that Ptolemy thought that the sun revolved around the earth and therefore is infinitely less intelli- gent than you, so if anything, Ptole- my should be sitting in class learning your theorems and not the other way around. When the teacher tries to tell you that he was actually a brilliant mathematician and that everyone in that day thought the universe was geo- centric, just be like, “LOL, well, um, I didn’t,” and then everyone will be like “Oooooh snap shuuut-down!” Trust me, works every time. Yeah, so that’s basically all you


need to know about science. My dad’s got a college degree in theology, so I clearly know what I’m talking about here. Now take the time that you would’ve spent, like, thinking about quantum physics or whatever, and get to work on memorizing the lyrics to that one Ke$ha song. You’ve only got a few weeks left before the radios stop playing it and the entire world forgets it ever existed!


So...um... Since winter formal is like cancelled... Can I have the flowers back?


Flies 1. Three Day Weekends 2. Time


3. Cell Phones


4. Country Songs


5. Pennies for Pasta


6. Lava Lamps Dies


1. Being forced to procras- tinate one more day.


2. You, with enough of it.


3. What do you mean you’re the only fifth grader without a cell phone?


4. Losing your wife, dog, truck, and dignity all in one song.


5. My pennies versus your checkbook? Really?


6. Trying to play tetris games on them.


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