think they’ll continue to play in their basketball league three growing apart. Developing a common marriage vision is some-
nights a week. It won’t work,” he says. thing recommended by Dr. Harvill Hendrix, Ph.D., president of
Wright advises couples to identify the various changes mar- the Institute for Imago Relationship Therapy, which assists cou-
riage brings and determine what will have to be given up. ples in developing healthier relationships. To develop a common
“You’ll need literally to say good-bye to what you are giving marriage vision, he suggests each couple write their own list of
up—and even grieve over it. And the older you are when you short sentences describing a deeply satisfying, loving relation-
marry, the more work it will take on your part to make this ship. “Keep ideas in the present tense, such as, ‘We are affection-
adjustment.” Wright’s advice is sound and parallels what the ate with each other’ . . . and positive, such as, ‘We settle differ-
Bible says about marriage. Genesis 2:24 explains that “a man ences peacefully,’ rather than ‘We don’t fight.’ Share your lists.
leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the Mark items in common and rank all in importance. Then design
two are united into one” (NLT). That text is a reminder to cou- a mutual vision, omitting any unresolvable issues and noting
ples that they are to forsake all others, giving each other their the most difficult changes. Post the list where you both will see
ultimate love and loyalty. They are to take responsibility for it daily, and even read it to each other weekly.”
each other’s welfare and to love their mate above all others. • Routinely affirm each other. Couples who thrive understand
• Avoid gender stereotypes. When Margaret Thatcher was elect- and utilize the power of affirmation to bond their relationship.
ed as Great Britain’s first female prime minister, the press specu- They pepper their conversations and actions with affirmation,
lated what impact her position would have upon her husband. praise, and compliments, all of which are designed to convey
Shortly after the Thatchers moved into the official prime minis- their love. One couple, married 14 years says: “I don’t think a
ter’s residence at 10 Downing Street, a reporter asked Dennis day goes by that one of us doesn’t say, ‘I love you.’” Another
Thatcher, “Who wears the pants in this house?” He answered, “I couple, married a dozen years, affirms each other this way: “We
do, and I also wash and iron them!” There is this important les- wink at each other. I just love it,” says the wife. “At some unex-
son in Dennis Thatcher’s comment: Live your marriage on the pected moment, across the breakfast table, or at a dinner party,
basis of equality, cooperation, and partnership. Don’t operate on or in the grocery store, I look up and get this little wink and
the basis of outmoded gender stereotypes—she cooks; he eats. smile. After a dozen years, it still lights up my life.”
“Make the conscious decision to begin showering your partner with praises and
compliments daily. Like a delicate, beautiful plant which thrives when given sunshine
and water, a relationship will blossom when partners are praised and affirmed.”
With more and more women working outside the home, main- If you are an “underaffirmer,” simply make the conscious
taining an apartment or house must become the responsibility decision to begin showering your partner with praises and com-
of both husband and wife. Rather than expect your partner to pliments daily. Like a delicate, beautiful plant which thrives
carry the load, pitch in and help. Don’t assume he or she will do when given sunshine and water, a relationship will blossom
specific tasks because of gender roles. Just do it! Showing your when partners are praised and affirmed. Always remember that
spouse that kind of respect is one way of fulfilling this call from the approval and praise from a spouse is worth far more than
Scripture: “Love each other with genuine affection, and take compliments from a hundred strangers.
delight in honoring each other” (Romans 12:10, NLT). • Practice the fine art of compromise. When comedienne Joan
• Keep talking. When couples first meet and begin dating, Rivers’ daughter, Melissa (Missy), was engaged and about to
there is no shortage of conversation. There is so much to learn, to marry, Rivers wrote an open letter to “Missy,” offering marriage
know, to share. Frequently, after the wedding the natural flow of advice. One of the points Rivers emphasized to her daughter and
conversation begins to slow down, sometimes bordering on to husbands and wives everywhere was to practice the fine art of
extinction. To continue growing as a couple, talk regularly. “No compromise. “Never fight over what’s not important. Does it real-
matter how busy you are, set aside at least 20 minutes for an end- ly matter whether the den is blue or brown? How about compro-
of-the-day review with your spouse,” advises Jerry M. Lewis, mising with a plaid that has both colors? You want the bedroom
M.D., a psychiatrist and author of numerous books about rela- warm, and he likes it cold. OK, get an electric blanket. Be what the
tionships. Train yourself to listen nonjudgmentally, so you can Japanese call ‘the wise bamboo’; in other words, learn to bend so
create an atmosphere in which you gradually begin to feel safe. you don’t break. Be flexible.” Rivers’ advice is sound. Smart cou-
Dr. Lewis also advises carefully selecting a time to talk when both ples always look for ways to ease tensions before they escalate out
partners are emotionally available. For example, if one spouse of control. They know that a little giving in results in a big differ-
returns home from work anxious, irritable, and weary, postpone ence and makes for a happier, more satisfying marriage.
the talk time until later in the evening when the person is more
relaxed and has had time to unwind from the day’s stress.
Victor M. Parachin, author and minister, writes from
• Develop a common vision for your relationship. Sharing a com-
Tulsa, Oklahoma.
mon vision and common values for your marriage will keep the
relationship healthy and vibrant and will prevent you from
EVANGEL • FEB 2009 23
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