ANALY SIS
Each time I had a scan during my cancer
treatment, I visualised saying goodbye to my loved ones. I was able to say goodbye to my parents, my brother, and my spouse. My body simply would not allow me to attempt to say goodbye to my two little boys. During my 11 months of cancer treatment, my
extensive reading brought to light the surprising fact that many couples divorce post-cancer. I asked myself, “When two people have endured an experience that is so bonding, how is this possible?” It is when we are face-to-face with death that we are likely to begin questioning whether we are leading a life that is true to who we are. My ingrained belief was that marriage is till
death do us part, a conviction that was shattered when my wife announced, “I am sorry, but I do not love you anymore.” As I questioned her decision to leave, the only
logical answer I received was, “I am sorry, but I cannot help what I feel.” The financial meltdown, even the cancer,
I could accept. But the loss of my 18-year marriage? How could I embrace such a catastrophe? To me, it meant I had failed on an epic scale. What was wrong with me, that I could not even provide my children with their most basic need, a stable home? I was unable to function on a day-to-day basis. I could not recognise the opportunity that
was being presented to me. All I saw was abject failure. It took three years to move beyond my self-judgment and accept that we truly cannot challenge how another feels. The minute we judge others or ourselves, we go pear-shaped. The wise course is to free them, neither blaming nor shaming.
EPIPHANY As I shared the three changes that challenged me, what thoughts came to you with respect to your own life? In what ways did you find yourself relating to the situations that were presented? Whenever a health crisis emerges, family
businesses and family offices potentially face a disruption in leadership and succession planning. Beyond tensions that may arise in the spousal relationships, our ability to connect and communicate with the family at large can be compromised. It is imperative we know how to unite head and heart to guide us in moving through difficult times. To do so is key to family longevity and generational continuity. Embracing change involves accepting what’s
occurring instead of resisting. This is neither a giving in nor a giving up, but an invitation to take a more expansive view of life. Our ability to embrace a situation will
depend upon how we judge it. Do we put people or situations in boxes, as I did when I used the box “till death do us part” to label myself a failure? Mental chatter and emotional turmoil are
like murky water. Any decisions taken in this frame of mind are bound to lack clarity. Once we embrace whatever may be happening, we find ourselves moving into a state of trust, whereby we no longer impose, expect, or judge anything. An inner calmness arises within us, resulting in clarity of mind, and a centered heart. Inner stillness is foundational when it comes
to the direction we want our life to go, how we wish to get there, and the purpose of it all. Taking action as we move into flow is the natural next step. While discussing marriage and
parenting with the chairman of a family-owned global bank, I pointed out that we require a driving licence in order to drive and have to be certified to become a doctor, lawyer, or therapist. Yet getting married, the biggest commitment we ever make, requires no formal training, only our signature—and to become a parent, not even this. The chairman reasoned that animal instinct guides us in such matters. I replied, “Although our
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CAMPDENFB.COM
Feisal Alibhai is speaking on embracing change for family longevity and generational continuity at the European Family Office Conference on 6-7 November 2018 in London and leading a post-conference workshop on embracing change on 8 November 2018.
For more information, visit:
campden conferences. com/efoc
ISSUE 73 | 2018
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