and finally...


Never a cross word as puzzles take over


People seem more interested in brain-teasers than news. Why not combine them? asks Chris Proctor


Harry ever go away?’ ‘Will Burnham make us wear clogs?’ ‘Will Count Binface be our next PM?’ Tey are poor substitutes for the


H


ow do people choose what paper to read? Is it political


affiliation? Attraction to a style of reporting?


To impress fellow commuters? A size that fits in your bag? No. None of the above. Te important


thing these days is the puzzles page or, increasingly, pages. Next door buys the Express. I wonder


why. She tells me it’s for the crossword. She can do it. She’s tried other papers without success. She can finish the Express one and can’t do the others. But isn’t she a loyal Labourite? Yes,


she says, but she doesn’t take any notice of that stuff. What stuff? Te news. She doesn’t have time after


she’s completed the crossword. Tis alarms me until I realise that I


sniff at the Metro but pick one up most days. For the crossword. I see a day when papers will become


quiz books with a news section. Tey will become A5 size, like those books of sudokus you find at airports. Pages 1–20 will be puzzles while fragments of news will compete for space at the back with the classified ads. Te number of brain-teasers on offer


is astonishing. Every time I look, a new game has emerged. Tere are codewords, backwords, kriss krosses, piecewords, jigsaws, sudokus and even minipanagrams. By the time you’ve learnt how to do them, it’s tomorrow. By the time you finish one, it’s next week. Of course, we’ve always had puzzles,


but these used to be mainly in headers. I’m thinking of ones like ‘Will Prince


discriminating puzzler, because the answer is always the same: no. Clearly, the future for our national


press is to hone efforts on puzzles rather than reporting – unless it is reporting on puzzles. One solution, which could please both parties, would be to mingle the two disciplines. I like the notion of using anagrams


rather than people’s official names, thus pleasing both puzzlers and current affairs aficionados. So a story would begin, ‘Old Rant Dump today declared war. Specific targets will be selected after lunch, following discussions about his next peace prize.’ In the main body, the name would vary to allow further riddles: ‘Mr Odd Lap Nut said the enemy, once chosen, would be bombed from the air while Mr Do Punt Lad did not rule out boots on the ground.’ As a bonus, puzzling can also


distract from the news, which would be soothing. You’re so interested in rearranging the letters that you miss the genocide. Te popularity of the graphic novel


suggests that news could be presented as images. So, for example, you have a picture of a Hovis loaf (brown bread) next to a photo of Ian Huntley, rather than bother with a written account of the demise of the child murderer. Te same information is conveyed but in conundrum form. Te head of FIFA could be seen with a shepherd’s hook for those specialising in rhyming slang. As the medium progresses, I favour


giving the reader different accounts of a story from the point of view of the criminal, the authorities, the victim and a bystander. You have to guess which one is true. Or you could run the news


as usual and ask at the end, ‘Do you believe this report? Answers in tomorrow’s paper!’ It could delay you knowing the news


by 24 hours, but does this really matter? I also like the notion of running


overseas news in the language of that country, which would improve linguistic skills as well as providing a challenge for the reader. Tus the Argentina press, reporting on a football match, would begin ‘¡Júgalo otra vez, Leo, hasta que ganemos!’ Te sense of the statement would not


be affected even for mono-linguists. You know it’s something ludicrous. Te details are insignificant and the brain has been teased. What more could you want? A number of outlets have taken


“


tentative steps in the right direction by having a regular news quiz. Tus readers are asked who officiated at Taylor Swift’s nuptials, are given alternatives, such as an actor, a sportsman or a school friend – and make a choice. Tey can either discover the correct answer the following day or be pleased with the selection they have made and not bother following it up. Yes, some will complain that the quiz


We increasingly doubt what we read in the paper so we’re already in the puzzle business working out what’s factual


format trivialises the news but I defend it. For one thing, we increasingly doubt what we read in the paper so we’re already in the puzzle business working out what’s factual. Why not formalise it? Televised news could do worse than


adopt the format of the quiz programme Would I Lie To You? Te interviewee would be asked to make a statement (‘Tree million council houses in 20 minutes’) and a panel would decide if the response sounds likely. If so, it would be declared ‘news’. If not, it would be held as another example of the interviewee being a lying toad. Or, for Spoonerists, a tying load.


theJournalist | 27


Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24  |  Page 25  |  Page 26  |  Page 27  |  Page 28