remember that apply to all situations: 1. “Calm down,” “It’s not that bad,” or similar clichés only fuel the other person’s emotions. They have the exact opposite reaction. Think of how we feel when someone barks at us to “calm down” or patronizingly says “it really wasn’t that bad.” They interpret our response as minimizing their reaction (much like a parent can do with a child) or that we do not understand the severity of the situation. Either way, we are judging and chastising their reaction, much like calling them a name. The brain does not see a difference between a physical cut or bruise and a perceived attack.
2. We must acknowledge their reaction before moving on to the real reason for their behavior. This is not to say we agree with how they are feeling (dejected, anxious, angry, embarrassed); it only says that we can see they are upset and we want to help them work through understanding and accepting the situation. “Wow you are really upset about this. Let’s talk about it” or “You seem to be preoccupied or worried. What’s going on?” or similar words will let the other person know their unusual behaviors are obvious and we are willing to listen.
Now onto specific actions to take. Remember the communications circle from my previous article? People who are on the left side of the circle (disconnect) and in the upper half (in control) are more likely to attack and more vocally defend their position. Those who lie in the lower half of the circle (flexible) and on the right side (connect) will take a more retreating approach.
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HelicopterMaintenanceMagazine.com August | September 2019
If we are the unsuspecting recipient of another’s
outburst, we need to stop ourselves from getting sucked into their emotional sharkfest (see the circles to the left). We can do this by silently repeating a mantra (“this too shall pass,” “just a few more minutes and I can talk,” or something similar). This action takes our mind away from its perceived danger and allows us to maintain our composure. We shouldn’t back away from the person (that can make them more irate); instead, we should stand our ground. When they take a breath, ask “anything else?” That can catch them off guard and it gives them the opportunity to release their anger. If they accuse us of something and are correct, admit it. (Say something like “You are right, I did not listen to your complete explanation,” or “Yes, I did not do what I said I would”). Again, that will help diffuse their emotions and return their mindset to a more objective one with which we can have a calm discussion. If we are the instigator, it is more difficult to separate our emotional reaction from our outward behaviors. We are in the attack, defend and survive mindset. We might not be aware of our surroundings, and initially we certainly are not aware of how we look to by-standers. To our brain, our actions are a result of a threat and we are taking action to live and fight another day. At some point, however, our rational brain will take over and we realize (a) we overreacted, (b) we were not correct, (c) we behaved like a raving lunatic, or (d) all of the above. If we are in the middle of our tirade and we realize the inappropriateness of our actions, we need to stop talking. Yes, we can stop mid-sentence or even mid- word. Chances are that most of the other people have
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