single people, try just talking to the person next to you without expectations and see where the conversation leads. Be open and al- low life and people to knock you off your feet. You don’t truly know how someone will be in a relationship with you until you try it out.
Five steps to dating intentionally
1. Grow your self-awareness. Be curious about yourself. Start asking questions about how you got to the place you are at. Think through and document actions you are proud of and behaviors that surprised you in relationships. What tends to cause you anxiety, an- ger, fear, or insecurity? What do you recognize about yourself and your patterns? How do you act when you feel scared or anxious? Write your observations down (so you remember what you discov- ered!). Be prepared to communicate your new self-awareness to your next partner.
2. Communicate what stage you are in to those you date.
Where you are in life makes a huge difference in how you ap- proach dating. Are you recently divorced (in other words, are you rebounding)? Have you done some self-inquiry and are ready to jump in? Do you just want to try out a couple dates here and there but don’t want to commit to anything quite yet? These are all “good” places to be and each stage can hold fun and heartbreak depending on the steps you take. Be honest with yourself and the people you choose to date about the stage you are in. 3. Be intentional in choosing how and who you date. This is
where you have to be active and put yourself out there. Do some research on different ways to meet people including online sites, matchmakers, single meet-up groups, and interest-based meet- up groups. If you choose online dating, it all starts with a profile. Since healthy relationships are based on trust and openness, create an honest, accurate and intriguing profile (and get a good picture since we are all visual creatures!). And when you find yourself perusing profiles to determine who to give a chance, be picky and open-minded simultaneously. Remember that when we met people in college, we didn’t know everything about them which allowed them to surprise us. One strategy is to read a profile and email back and forth a couple times and then just meet in person. It is through meeting someone in person, that we can get a real sense of some- one’s energy, style, mannerisms and personality. 4. Take it slow. Dating can be about meeting new, interesting people; it doesn’t always need to be about the end game. Don’t fret too much when you end up on a date with someone you believe you aren’t interested in (and start with the 30 minute coffee date to make it less painful!). Remember that we live in a small state and you never know who can introduce you to the one who may suit, inspire or intrigue you. And, once you start exploring a relationship, do just that, explore it. Just like you are going to be curious about yourself, be curious about the other person. Observe them, stay open and honest with yourself about what you are seeing. Under- stand that in the early stages of a relationship, our brain is prone to glossing over inconsistencies and anything negative. So the best strategy you have for really determining whether another person has true merit is to take your time. Spend time with the other person and by yourself, pay attention to how your body reacts to the other person and notice whether your behaviors with the person are in line with who you want to be. 5. Be willing to say no and start again. Sometimes it can seem like there are so few people out there that we stay in a situation that is not ideal. If we start operating from abundance rather than a scar- city mindset, it can change everything. Within a mindset of abun- dance, that there are limitless opportunities; our worlds change
each day as we learn more and more. It opens you up to follow your instincts and make good choices. Abundance teaches us that it is okay to wait for someone who truly nourishes us. This means, we can say “no thank you”, “you are lovely, but not for me” with ease and breathe and start again.
Erin Oldham, Ph.D., is the founder of Local Flames, an organiza- tion dedicated to supporting people in developing and sustaining healthy relationships. We offer a newsletter to connect people to local events and the latest research on healthy relationships as well as workshops and coaching/consultation for individuals negotiating divorce and the post-divorce world. Erin has a Ph.D. in psychology specializing in child development and has researched how children and adults for secure attachments and healthy relationships for 25 years. Contact Erin at
erin@localflamesmaine.com for more informa- tion about her workshops and coaching.
Localflamesmaine.com.
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