RED GREEN
RED GREEN
www.redgreen.com
Taking a Flyer I was on a flight last week and I was watching
the stewardess do her seatbelt-emergency exit- oxygen mask routine. Can I still say “stewardess”? Or is it “flight
attendant” or “high hostess” or “pretzel person” now? Whatever she was, she wasn’t a very young version of it. She was about my age. My mind went back about 30 years to when stewardesses had to be young and good-looking and single. I think it was because there was no movie. The stewardess was the entertainment. She was also the liaison between the airline and the customer. She was sweet and accommodating and had that air of availability that kept the businessmen on the edge of their seats with their tray tables in the full upright position. How times have changed. Now we’ve got a
matronly sergeant major with a smoker’s cough and big attitude. I used to watch the seatbelt demonstration because I wanted to, now I’m afraid she’ll cuff me one if I look away. And she’s probably married to someone like me so I can’t fool her. Equal opportunity has taken all the fun out of flying.
Less Really Is More I went shopping for some new pants last
week. I haven’t measured my waist in a while but I know there’s been growth in that area because I can feel more parts of the chair rubbing against my sides and back. So I grabbed a few pairs to try on. They
ranged in size between 40 and 44. Well holy cow, they were all too big! And I mean a WAY too big. I ended up with a size 34. Size 34! I wore a size 34 when I was in high school. I’m doing fine. I’m in shape. Well it just so happened I still had a pair of
pants from high school up in the attic so I went up to try them on. It didn’t go well. I’m not sure
28 BOUNDER MAGAZINE
if I could have done up the waist or not since I couldn’t get the pants past the mid-thigh region. Could these pants − these tuxedo pants that
haven’t been washed ever and haven’t been to the cleaners since I spilled that Baby Duck at the prom − could these pants have shrunk in the attic? No. I think we all know the horrible truth. They’ve changed the sizes. The reason I don’t
have to take a Size 42 is because a Size 34 IS a Size 42. And not for ALL pants. Not for young pants like the ones your kids wear. No. These pants I just bought are targeted as old-guy-big- butt pants. They size them liberally because guys don’t need another reason not to buy clothes. Especially old guys. With big butts.
Driving Mrs. Daisy You can tell how long a couple have been
married just by watching them drive their car: •
• •
If he’s driving and she’s cuddled up close, they are newlyweds. They also have an old car to be able to sit that close. That also proves they’re newlyweds.
If she’s driving and he’s cuddled up close, they’ve been married for a few years and he’s in a little trouble. Alcohol may be involved. Especially if they have bucket seats.
If he’s driving and she’s sitting way over on the other side, as far away as she can get, they’ve been married at least five years and he has forced her to leave the mall before she was ready.
•
• •
If he’s driving and she’s speaking heatedly to him and pointing out directions with her hands, they’ve been married 10 years.
If he’s driving and she’s not speaking to him at all, they’ve been married 11years. If he’s driving and she’s sitting in the back
www.bounder.ca
Quote of the Day “If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it’s probably
about my age.” – Red Green
seat, they’ve been married 15 years. If he’s wearing a cap, he’s also had a serious demotion.
• •
If they’re driving separate cars, they’ve been married 20 years.
If she’s driving and he’s walking, they’re divorced.
The Last Shall be First I need some computer nerd out
there to come up with software that will allow me to scan a contract into my computer, and it will enlarge the fine print and put it at the top of the document. That would save me a lot of eyestrain and a lot of ink. When my wife said, “Why do they make the important things so small?”, I said it was just Nature’s way.
LAFF continued from page 27
Lucky Ron has the Saturday slot – starting sometime between 4:30 and 5 p.m., and sing-alongs are encouraged! Sunday is Folk Night hosted by Brad Morden, who brings along various talents from Ottawa and the Valley for a good night’s entertainment. The other thing that caught my
attention was the board games. Scrabble, checkers, jenga, chess and others are there for the playing. Naturally you can always have a game of darts if you are so inclined. For up to date info – check out the website:
http://www.thelaff.ca. Better still, drop in for Elvis night on April 5th
– they will be playing
Elvis all night. So why don’t you go on down
to the Market, wander around a bit and then drop in for a pint, relax, play cribbage, or relax and watch the world go by. Hey − maybe you can take your brother and beat him at crib like I plan to (after all – I am holding the pen on this one, Bro). I can tell you one thing, on my
way home in the car I couldn’t get that Toby Keith tune out of my head: “I love this bar, come as you are, mmmmmm , I love this bar”!
www.bounder.ca BOUNDER MAGAZINE 29
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