mother’s dementia


One family’s journey Refrain offers son comfort in the face of mother’s dementia


While they were talking and discussing, Jesus himself came near and went with them, but their eyes were kept from recognizing him. – Luke 24:15–16 (NRSV)


By Rev. Greg Wilcox, National Campus


dementia and who lives in the special care unit at Good Samaritan Society – Sioux Falls Village, has begun saying that to me each time I come to visit her.


“Y


At first, I took it as a compliment, and I was pleased even though I know my mother is biased by her love for me. I was dressed up the day I first remember her saying how nice I looked, and I was glad that she recognized that. But then she began saying it every time I came, and though I would like to think I look nice every day, I became suspicious.


And then the day came when I stopped by to see Mom on my way home from a fishing trip. I was in ragged jeans and an old T-shirt, and I had a slightly fishy smell. When Mom saw me, her eyes lit up and she said brightly, “You look so nice today.”


I realized clearly at that moment that Mom wasn’t talking about my appearance. Her compliment was not at all about the way I looked. In


ou look so nice today.” My mother, Billie, who has


Billie Wilcox smiles brightly with her son, the Rev. Greg Wilcox, during a party at Good Samaritan Society – Sioux Falls Village and when she was younger.


fact, what she said really wasn’t even a compliment. What was it then?


Because of the dementia, it is difficult to know for sure what she might mean when she says or does things that don’t fit within our commonly held framework of shared meaning. And one sign of dementia is the repetition of a word or statement over and over. But I am convinced this little phrase — “you look so nice today” — holds an important clue to Mom’s emotional and spiritual perspective these days.


“You look so nice today” means, first of all, “I’m so glad to see you.” Mom’s demeanor changes whenever I show up. Her tired, slumped shoulders


10 The Good Samaritan • 2011 • Vol. 45 • No. 2


straighten. Her calm expression becomes animated. A smile like a sunrise banishes cloudy thoughts, and gladness lifts her hand from her lap in welcome.


“You look so nice today” means, secondly, “I didn’t know how lonely I was until you showed up and all my loneliness went away.” With Mom, like many others with dementia, there comes a point where knowing and naming what one is feeling becomes difficult, if not impossible. Mom might have said at one time “I’m feeling lonely” or said she was depressed or blue. Not any more. But that doesn’t mean those feelings have gone away; it simply means Mom’s ability to


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