ADVICE YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU NEEDED
(5) Profit! (6) Swallow all the
pills because you don’t give a @$%^ and there will
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Dear Hipster: You’re in a lightless, windowless, doorless room with four pills; two red, two blue. Take one of each, and you will attain hip- ster immortality. Everything cool will be old news to you before anyone else has even heard about it, and people will think that you invented kalettes and cold brew coffee. Taking any other combination of pills will banish you to an alternate reality where you can only drink Folgers coffee and you have to listen to the Kings of Leon and Nickelback all day, every day, plus you die horribly. What do you do?
— MORPHEUS
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Clearly, I already solved that one; or perhaps I never needed to in the first place. Nevertheless, there are at least seven solutions to the riddle: (1) Chew all
the pills up into a formless mass of medicine-flavored nastiness. Expecto- rate precisely half, leaving behind a cohesive 50/50 red-blue mixture. Swallow. (2) Compose thirteen understated
indie rock tunes, each of which explores a different facet of the impossible situa- tion faced by the modern citizen forced to choose between his life, his freedom, and the irresistible lure of infinite cool. Nobody will appreciate it in your time, but later, once the proverbial smoke clears, people are going to look at it and say, “Whoa. He was really ahead of his time, man.” Stab yourself in the heart from the pain of it all. (3) Meh. (4) ???
(probably) be at least one moment of transcendent genius in anticipation of the horrible dying. (7) Realize that
the hipster was inside you the whole time. Ascend to glory on
a moonbeam. Again, therecould be
HIPSTER@SDREADER.COM
more solutions. Your results and mileage may vary. Some terms and conditions apply. Lather, rinse, repeat, inno- vate, duplicate, disre- gard. Not available in all regions.
Dear Hipster: Is a burrito a sandwich?
— GARY
Why you must ask me such things as lie beyond my sphere of expertise, I shall never know. Is a bicycle a vehicle? Is a chihuahua actually a dog? Is a pregnant woman a human submarine when she goes swimming? According to hipster conventional
wisdom, a burrito is many things. It is the best thing you ever ate at 4:17 a.m., after that one house show by the obscure band you can’t remember
anymore.It is your best and cheapest sustenance from the local —berto’s after youlost that sweet technical writing job and spent nine weeks selling off vintage bicycle parts to pay the rent. A burrito is the one who listens when the girlfriend
who was a good cook moves out, and facing the stove (you used to cook together there) makes you want to gargle the cooking sherry. A burrito is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. A burrito asks nothing more than your $4.67 after tax, and gives in return the deep-down, all-over warm fuzzies like none other. A burrito is all these things and more,
but it sure as hell ain’t no sandwich, sir, so put that in your pipe and smoke it, or, better yet, wrap that in your tortilla and chew it.
— DJ Stevens
San Diego Reader April 6, 2017 11
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