BROUGHT TO YOU BY Mystic Myk
‘Is that Orion’s belt or is he just pleased to see me?’
CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan 23 Advertising slogans have left you confused; Skittles don’t taste like refracted light, Girlsberg is possibly the best diuretic in the world, and you never have nor will feel intense Lovetowards Ronald McDonald or “it”. Tis month you find out that Red Bull doesn’t give you wings but, as you plummet towards a concrete-y conclusion, it does serve as a miracle cure for a bunged-up bowel. Lucky day: January 12th
AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 Aquarius: Tis is the dawning of the age of a hairy arse, age of a hairyaaaaarse. It may have been a cruel, cold winter, but your level of hirsute insulation could be seen as dramatic Oxfam have approached you for pubic donations to pad temporary bedding sent to war torn countries. Lucky day: January 8th
PISCESFeb 20 - Mar 20 For you January is synonymous with only one thing; the transfer window. Too much Footie Manager has left you thinking you’re a shit-hot scout and so immersed in finding a bargain you’re harder to find than Jodie Marsh’s virginity. As a glory-hunting Barrow fan purse strings are tight but get on the blower to Sunderland, I’d imagine Titus Bramble has to pay to be employed these days. Lucky day: January 2nd
ARIESMar 21 - Apr 20 Given that the world is supposed to have ended I’d imagine that your month reads a lot like this …………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………… …………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………… Fucking Mayans!Lucky day: ...........
TAURUSApr 21 - May 21 Many people are already failing miserably at their New Year’s abstinence but it’s good to see your resolutions are in full swing. Although giving up intimacy, asbestos and Jim’ll Fix It reruns, you possibly could have challenged yourself more. Lucky day: January 14th
10 /January 2013/
outlineonline.co.uk
GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22 Along with Subbuteo © and Sticky Biscuit ©, you’ve found that love is another game you shouldn’t play by yourself. If you watched any Rom- com you could have saved time and semen to have that message rammed down your gullet. You do have to subject yourself to Hugh Grant, but he’s pissed off with newspapers now, he can’t harm us any more. Lucky day: January 17th
CANCERJun 23 - Jul 23 After spending tens of thousands of pounds illuminating your house to make it more garish than Mr Blobby’s sock drawer, Christmas has left you slightly in the red. It’s time to pimp out your partner and send the kids out to Gap to scrape some funds together. As for you, you have no discernable talent so why not go into politics? Lucky day: January 30th
LEOJul 24 - Aug 23 Looking for a new occupation? With the soiled furrows you’ve been ploughing you’d make a good farmer. Winky face. Te size of your spuds means money is set to storm in, which affords you the opportunity to finally buy that mechanical hoe you always
wanted.Lucky day: January 3rd
VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 23 Time to put operation ‘Return the shit I got for Christmas’ into operation; goodbye Hollyoaks boxset, goodbye James Arthur autobiography, goodbye herpes, goodbye baby Jesus, goodbye wolf fleece, goodbye duplicate porn
DVDs, and farewell to the signed picture of Bobby Davro… bless your Nan, she
tries.Lucky day: January 1st
LIBRASep 24 - Oct 23 Disappointed that your Facebook ‘Year in Review’ consisted of a picture of you gurning in a Portaloo and a disappointingly low score on ‘Uncle Gary’s Stabby Salon’? You decide to make a new profile with a sexy picture then set about recruiting friends as quickly as you can. You message them demanding that you meet up in an abandoned garage as a way to meet exciting people. Norfolk Constabulary say
no.Lucky day: January 28th
SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22 Hellooo preggooo!! Drinking Blossom Hill like it’s going out of fashion (was it ever in?) may have to stop but to be honest fashion won’t be high on the agenda when everything you buy has to be elasticated. One solution could be a fetching onesie, they’re fashionable… according to ASDA… but then so are wheelchairs and ASBOs. Lucky day: January 13th
SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 Holy shit cakes, apparently if you text your name and town to 63336 they’ll tell you your future!?! Although they “may use artistic license”, texts cost a bargain £2.50, however is it really better than me telling you you’re going to get crabs for free? (I mean the prediction is free, the crabs will impact on your finances) Lucky day: January 20th
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