BROUGHT TO YOU BY Mystic Myk
‘Is that Orion’s belt or is he just pleased to see me?’
LIBRA Sep 24 - Oct 23 An embarrassingly extensive session of Strictly Come Dancing results in you being accidently hypnotized by Alex Jones’ big bouncy badoinkies. Unfortunately for you the funbags are followed by a transmission error and you suddenly have the urge to dress like a clown, play noughts and crosses and keep a disturbingly close proximity to young girls. Lucky day: October 23rd
SCORPIOOct 24 - Nov 22 Confusion reigns this month when attempting to invite a workmate out for a social beverage you are met with much excited seal clapping and the revelation that you are now “Frolleagues” (‘friendly colleagues’). After being sick in your own mouth you realise it is your duty to punish such abuse of the English language, withdraw your offer and punch them in the face…repeatedly. Tis response should also be meted to anyone using the terms frousemates, frelatives or anyone who uses the phrase ‘you know what I mean’. Lucky day: October 30th
SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 Ooh the possibility of the new iPhone 5 being launched this month has you sex- weeing everywhere, you’ve started up Facebook groups and nasally discussed with friends which “Apps” and features the new version will have while masturbating furiously over a laminated piece of paper with the words “dual core A5 CPU” on it. I think you have a problem. Lucky day: October 17th
CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan 23 Drama arises in October when you catch a thieving shit trying to nick your TV. In a panic you grab the conveniently placed Black Mamba dildo and use your new cudgel of criminal determent to deliver a darn good thrashing and leave them wearing their arse like a hideous face mask. Never will they steal, sit down or walk past Ann Summers again. Good work. Lucky day: October 24th
AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 After attempting to hang a clock you stumble and hit your head on the sink. But when you come to you have a revelation, a vision, a picture in your head. You also have brain damage and can’t stop dribbling. Nevertheless armed with the patents for
10 / October 2011/
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the ‘denim thong’ you visit the peeps at Dragons Den. Despite criminal chafing issues and your inability to speak actual words Hilary Devey shows interest only Peter Jones’ projectile vomiting when the Gremlin lady tries it on costs you investment. I’m out! Lucky day: October 10th
PISCESFeb 20 - Mar 20 You’re going to have to start cost-cutting this month as your divorce has rinsed you of much wonga. Why not save on expensive trips to get your lady garden waxed and go au naturelle? Te resulting Afro-minge provides warmth and companionship but containment may prove too troublesome and an eruption of bush at a custody hearing is not the way to keep hold of your kids. Lucky day: October 22nd
ARIESMar 21 - Apr 20 Aw life seems to be getting you down at the moment but it is ok help is at hand, yes Mr Jack Daniels has offered his services. Despite not liking the taste of his wares you’re committed and decide the JD enema is the most effective alcohol delivery system for you. Be wary though as a drunk anus is an angry anus. Lucky day: October 5th
TAURUSApr 21 - May 21 Halloween is around the corner and you are more dedicated than most to scare the crap out of the neighbours and set about inserting C-4 explosives into all of their pumpkins. Trick or trea….BANG!! Tat’s another kid that isn’t going to be round asking for a party size Mars bar. Win. Lucky day: October 31st
GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22 You live a sad existence with your overall happiness dictated by how much money you can make but attempting to sell your
‘artwork’ is proving a fruitless task. Yes you manage to find a severe gap in the market but it seems no one is really interested in your primitive sketches of Power Rangers ‘doing’ each other, except your dad. Lucky day: October 15th
CANCER Jun 23 - Jul 23 Sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph you whine more than a bunch of soon-to-be evicted gypsies. It’s going to get worse this month when your moggy goes missing. Because I’m nice I will save you the emotional trauma of not knowing where he is and let you know Roger passed away reasonably quickly the third time I ran over him. It was the most humane thing to do. RIP Roger. Lucky day: October 28th
LEOJul 24 - Aug 23 ARGH!! Are you suffering from severe itching, burning, soreness, irritation, and a whitish or whitish-gray cottage cheese- like discharge. Mmm cheese. Congratulations Leo you are the latest to be inducted into the Trush club. Disappointingly you didn’t get your yeast infection the entertaining way and merely stemmed from strutting around in wet swimwear for too long. Your secret is safe with me. Lucky day: October 14th
VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 23 As you’re into your hippy shit you’ll be pleased to hear I’ve done some research and it turns out your birthstone is sapphire (which a fellow hippy has decided means ‘clear thinking’) while your birth flower is morning glory (I shit ye not). I believe it is blatantly clear what you’re thinking about…you fancy getting your own invasive weed involved in some mucky business. As you also don’t believe in washing I warn you the business may be muckier than usual. Lucky day: September 12th
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