THE AMATEUR PARKER …


Why I Love/Hate Speed Bumps


BY MELISSA BEAN STERZICK S


PEED BUMPS HURT my car, and my back- side. They’re called speed “humps” in some places, but that


just makes me laugh like a sixth grader, so I will refer to themas bumps fromhere on.


I hate slowing down for them.


I hate trying to get over them with- out damaging my car’s suspension or knocking my teeth together. Speed bumps are irritating and inconvenient. My father is the reason I love


speed bumps. This might sound like the beginning of a sweet little story, but it is not. More than 20 years ago, I was a teenager with a learner’s permit, driving around with my parents, practicing my skills behind the wheel, and count- ing down tomy birthday. Back then, California offered


Driver’s Education to all sopho- mores, and itwasmy instructor that I nearly killed on that bridge, not my parents. Mr. Comitas took the edge off my inexperience and the rest was typical. There were a few tough


moments, such as the daymymoth- er shouted at me for swerving and then realized I was staring at the road 10 feet in front of the car. She calmed down and suggested I look ahead about 20 yards farther. There also was the time I


asked to practice driving in my mother’s new sports car, and my dad told me he’d “rather give me a loaded gun to play with” than let me drive that car, so I knew he felt strongly about it. While I had my permit, my


In a way, my parents had been teach-


ing me how to handle a vehicle all my life. As an observant passenger in both their cars, I had a good idea what driving was supposed to look like. I drove most


who,


I occasionally drove with my dad, though secretly tenderhearted,


swerved to hit squirrels on purpose, and made good on any threat to put his chil- dren out of the car for arguing. I think they were both decent


drivers, although my dad did have one of the earliest mobile phones designed – the antennae were built into his windshield and the phone itselfmounted on the console.And my mom has a map-reading disor- der – she can’t read a map, period – that makes my dad supremely frustrated. Maybe they drove like maniacs when I was not in the car, but I doubt it. After I went to college, then


married and moved far away and back, there were many years dur- ingwhich I rarely drovewith either ofmy parents. Lately, because they moved back to Orange County, CA, I have been a passenger in their vehicles more than I have since I was learning to drive myself, and I can tell you that things have drastically changed. Now I am the conscientious


parent, motoring around with my children strapped into their 20- point harness car seats, using my turn signals, making eye contact with my blind spots when chang- ing lanes or going in reverse, and generally keeping most of the laws of the road. My parents’ driving skills,


His natural tendency to do whatever the hell he wants has begun to affect his driving.


parents let me drive often, and that is how I learned to signal, check my mirrors, park, keep to the speed limit, and perform other driving essentials with reliability.


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often with my mother, who blamed one of her children anytime she hit a curb while parking. We thought that was a great joke.


FEBRUARY 2011 • PARKING TODAY • www.parkingtoday.com


specificallymy father’s, have taken a turn for theworse.He’s impatient and a bit of an opportunist.His nat- ural tendency to do whatever the hell he wants has begun to affect his driving. So the reason I love speed


bumps is that maybe they’ll slow him down, because he’s taken to


cutting through parking lots to save time. He doesn’t just cut through theway I occa- sionally do, with a quick look around and a guilty shrug, hoping there’s not a police


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