“We went down there with t-


shirts on saying ‘lock up your kids, psychs are in town’ and just gave ‘em hell.”


‘Me and my husband used to play in bands, drink barrels of whisky and smoke dope. We were going to open a recording studio in Mozambique but then we read Dianetics


==========================================================================================


and knew that we had to stay. We don’t do any of that anymore. This is our life’s work.’ Minister of Scientology, Church of Scientology, Manchester.


========================================================================================== Comparatively speaking, Scientology is a reli-


gion in its infancy. Started by L.Ron Hubbard in 1952 after he published Dianetics, its belief systems revolve around the concept that we have previously lived on other planets in galaxies far away ruled by the alien em- peror Xenu, who brought billions of humans to Earth in a spacecraft before destroying us with hydrogen bombs.


Our Thetan is comparable to a soul, some-


thing that commands the body through communica- tion points. Psychiatrists are evil, drugs are not to be tolerated and all medicinal treatment can be shunned in favour of literature and conversational therapy. Non- sensical it may seem, but it is rapidly expanding and has the support of legendary exponents of cinema, Tom Cruise, John Travolta and more recently, Will Smith. The nearest Church of Scientology is only a forty-five minute drive so I took it upon myself to see if they could make me a better person. That pseudo-person was Patrick Tattum. He was confused, lonely, sometimes stressed, contemplative but without result. I wanted direction and tolerance of my inadequacy, as well as advice on how to become stronger. Upon arriving at the church it became apparent


that I was the only person there bar the ministers and the secretary at the front door. I was immediately struck by the décor. The ministers wore bright, neon t-shirts emblazoned with the defiant yet vague slogan ‘SOME- THING CAN BE DONE ABOUT IT’, tattered books from yesteryear adorned the walls, and the Dianetics DVD cycling through its start up menu on a huge plasma screen television affixed to the wall bore an uncanny resemblance for the SNES hit ‘Doom’. For an organisa- tion presenting itself as being at the forefront of modern culture, it seemed depressingly dated. I introduced myself, sat down with the lead


minister and explained my situation. I told her that my relationships were suffering, that I felt lonely even in crowded situations, that post-graduation I questioned my talents and ability. Interacting had become more stunted, and I felt as if my life was slipping away before me. However, I was a person with an aptitude for disci- pline and structure, and it was this part of my personal- ity that attracted me to Scientology. I was assured that


43 10 16 65 56


Scientologists were a wholesome and moral network of people and that with a conversion I, like her, could become a different person and enjoy a second life. To begin with we focussed on arguments, and


the reasons that they were happening. I was informed that when two people argue there is always (and the always is immovable), a malevolent third party, this party being a person rather than an entity. For example, I am friends with Person A and Person B. I argue with Person A. In the teachings of Scientology, I should conclude that it is Person B at the root of the conflict and rectify this with Person B’s exclusion. The priest said that this had reformed her social life and assisted her in rejuvenating her marriage; gone were the stresses of third parties. I feared at this point that her social circle had shrunken to a dot the size of her husband. In continuation of this thesis we conducted an


ill-informed discussion about the Israel/Palestine war, where she cited the ‘Rabbi Lala’ as the third party. Re- ligion, she said, was at the root of this struggle. News- papers were no longer necessary as a Scientologist, as they were evil and clouded the mind. At this point I felt compelled to buy ‘How To Resolve Conflicts’ by L.Ron Hubbard for £3.50, complete with an Emotional Tone Scale, to provide me with an infallible understanding of other people’s actions and consistently predict the be- haviour of other people (who were beginning to appear more and more like opponents). We moved on. I confessed that I had considered seeing a psy-


chiatrist, and this was met with a barrage of anti-psy- chiatry rambling – psychiatrists rape women, medicate children with ‘baby cocaine’ and she even claimed that one individual mind meddler had been caught moving from town to town in a VW camper van performing il- legal frontal lobe lobotomies on people by pulling their brains through their eyes with an icepick. (This is actu- ally true but not in present day as she claimed. Walter Freeman was a controversial psychiatrist active in the 50’s and 60’s who drove through America promoting his operation in a vehicle he called The Lobotomobile.) She went on to boast about her participation in


the interference of a psychiatrists’ convention in Man- chester. “We went down there with t-shirts on saying ‘LOCK UP YOUR KIDS, PSYCHS ARE IN TOWN’ and


just gave ‘em hell.” The earlier promise that Scientologists were in-


herently good people seemed somewhat jaded. A local botherer ran in and shouted something incomprehen- sible before running out. “Child of Satan” she said. Her inflammatory diatribe concluded with the


information that psychiatrists were responsible for the Second World War, for Saddam Hussein’s dictatorship and for the sedation of future generations worldwide. I winced and told her that I hadn’t known, that that was terrifying and enquired as to how much I would have to pay for the DVD ‘Psychiatry: The Industry of Death?’ I bought it for ten pounds, and received a complimentary brochure – ‘Life Improvement Courses.’ Using this, I am now able to ‘unlock the doors in the game of life’ and ‘direct my prosperity.’ I was not ready to leave without having experi-


enced the Electropsychometer test (E-meter for short). The priest proudly retrieved the equipment, a Fisher Price plastic affair and I clutched the two tin cans whilst she asked me questions about my life. The meters on the gauge jumped wildly after the first question. After the interrogation, it was concluded that it was my moth- er who was at the root of all my problems, and I was advised to ‘look at that.’ If I ever considered seeing a psychiatrist, it was strongly recommended that I visit the church again to receive counselling, with an ambiguous donations policy in place rather than a fixed fee. I shook her hand and went to leave, having spent seventeen pounds in the two hours that I’d been there. I had not felt scared or threatened during my


time in the church, but embarrassed. I found it difficult to gauge whether or not the priest genuinely believed what she was saying, or whether she wanted my money and sought to manipulate my apparent lack of confidence. Her arguments were all inherently flawed and contradic- tory and the literature is devoid of any provable theory, brimming with inconsistency and wild, dubious claims about human behaviour. As I left the building she sternly reminded me of the world’s perils. ‘Remember Patrick, psychiatry is a money


making scam, and it’s all about control. Thomas Gorton


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