THE WEIRS TIMES, Thursday, March 18, 2010
5
A
FOOL
*
Live Free
in
NEW HAMPSHIRE
or Die.
brendan@weirs.com
*A FLATLANDER’S OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE
Ma k i n G ce n S u S oF it al l
by Brendan Smith
Assistant Editor
ing on an almond butter Who said it would only but there is a large span They say that about 73
sandwich sitting in my take ten minutes to fill out of time, most notably dur- percent of people actually
pajamas that I tracked this form? It almost took ing the thirty-years war fill out the census form.
It finally arrived in the down the actual ques- me ten minutes to read of the 1600s, where no I believe the other 27
mail yesterday. tions which will appear this question, forget about records can be found, so percent actually work for
It only comes once every on that soon to be mailed figuring out all the rest of it is possible. the census bureau. Alas,
ten years. census form. They claim it. Jeez. more millions of dollars
Did you get yours? that it will take about ten 9).What is Person 1’s spent.
You know, the one from minutes to answer all ten 6) What is Person 1’s race? I think it would be a
the Director of the U.S. questions. I’m guessing sex? He is a big fan of the great idea if they just held
Census Bureau. that if you have these Whoa, hold on a min- Kentucky Derby. a random drawing and
You guessed it. questions ahead of time ute I’m still trying to get picked 300 forms out of a
The letter to tell me that you’ll be able to finish through question 5. 10).Does Person 1 hat and paid each winner
my 2010 Census form will that baby in no time and sometimes live or stay one million tax free dol-
be mailed next week. have a few minutes left 7) What is Person 1’s somewhere else? lars. I’d bet they’d get a
I know you’ve been an- over. I’ve even supplied age and date of birth? Well, sometimes she better response that way,
ticipating this just like some sample answers 45. 11/10/75. says she’s going to visit and save a lot of money in
me. Ever since that ex- to help in case you get her sister in Dallas, but the long run.
pensive Super Bowl com- stuck. 8) Is person 1 of His- frankly, I have my suspi- But what do I know. I’m
mercial about the census Glad to help. panic, Latino or Spanish cions. not smart like the people
I’ve been restless with origin? in Washington D.C.
anticipation. I can’t even 1)How many people Well, that’s been a sticky So there you have it, a
remember who won the were living or staying in subject. I’ve followed Per- head start with a few sug-
darn game. this house, apartment or son 1’s family tree back gestions to help you with
To date the U.S. govern- mobile home as of April about four hundred years the census form.
ment has spent over 300 1, 2010?
million dollars in promot- How should I know? I’m
ing and organizing the not a psychic. It’s only the
census. But that includes middle of March.
Ed Begley, Jrs. fee for ap-
pearing in the commer- 2) Were there any addi-
cial; and, of course, the tional people staying here
millions of dollars spent April 1, 2010 you did not
to send people letters to include in Question 1?
let them know that soon Now that you mention it,
they will be spending there are a few.
millions of dollars more
to send them the actual 3) Is this house, apart-
census form. ment or mobile home:
The census is important owned with mortgage,
for many reasons, none of owned without mortgage,
which I can think of pres- rented or occupied with-
ently. But since they’ve out rent?
spent so much money on Yes.
it, it must be.
Being a high-powered 4) What is your tele-
columnist, I am some- phone number?
times given access to im- 5 5 5 - 5 5 5 5 . W h a t ’ s
portant information that yours?
is not always immediately
available to the public. 5) Please provide infor-
I get this from sources mation for each person
such as: deep throats in- living here. Start with a
side secure government person here who owns or
facilities, high ranking of- rents this house, apart-
ficials who spill the beans ment or mobile home.
after my clever and ma- If the owner or renter
nipulative questioning lives somewhere else,
over cocktails or, as is the start with any adult liv-
case most of the time, I ing here. This will be Per-
find it on the Internet. son 1. What is Person 1’s
So, it was while munch- name?
Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24  |  Page 25  |  Page 26  |  Page 27  |  Page 28  |  Page 29  |  Page 30  |  Page 31  |  Page 32  |  Page 33  |  Page 34  |  Page 35  |  Page 36  |  Page 37  |  Page 38  |  Page 39  |  Page 40