THE WEIRS TIMES, Thursday, January 21, 2010
5
A
FOOL
*
Live Free
in
NEW HAMPSHIRE
or Die.
brendan@weirs.com
*A FLATLANDER’S OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE
tH e Fl a t l a n d e r cl o c k
by Brendan smith
Assistant Editor
their wishes might actual- makes no sense whatso- a stop light downtown. know who might be close
ly come true. They’ll keep ever. Clock back four min- Add two minutes. More to midnight on the Flat-
on doing those things that utes. often than not though lander clock but just keep
Have you been read- they think are very “na- You’re still a Yankee your thoughts will turn to slipping back a little.
ing about the Doomsday tive” inching that clock fan. Fugedaboutit…. you’ll that 2-hour delay on the There’s a few I know who
Clock? closer to that magic mo- never even get close. Long Island Expressway don’t have a chance.
It’s this fictional clock ment, minute-by-minute. Subtract five minutes so many years ago and Still, it gives us Flat-
that a bunch of out of Then, with just a few sec- every time you say “Kan- you’ll have to subtract two landers something to do
work scientists sit around onds to spare, they’ll fall camagus” incorrectly. minutes. It’s basically a while we sit around wait-
and talk about, and then into a Flatlander moment You make a trip to the wash. ing for spring to arrive.
adjust every once-in-a- and put the clock back dump to actually get rid When asked for direc- Winters never seemed so
while, that hypothesizes and start another long of things and come back tions you tell someone: long when I lived on Long
on how long we have till climb. home with less than when “You can’t get there from Island.
we all die. What are those Flatland- you arrived. Subtract here.” Add three minutes. Oops! Add three min-
It’s one of those feel good er moments that will dash three minutes. You can add an extra min- utes.
kind of things. their hopes and dreams? ute after you spend some
It’s been around since I thought you’d never In all fairness, just like time thinking about it and Brendan Smith wel-
1947 and it’s supposed ask. the Doomsday Clock, you realize that it’s actually comes your comments at
to take into account all You’re an ex-New Yorker can add minutes to get true. brendan@weirs,com.
of the terrible things that and a native tells you that you closer to that desired The options for both
are going on in the world there’s no better bakery goal of becoming a na- adding and subtracting
(nuclear arms, weather, in the world than “so and tive. minutes go on and on.
Taco Bell Burritos) and so’s” down on Main Street. You can go to the yearly There’s a few people I
let us know how close we Your thoughts quickly town meeting and take
are to the ultimate disas- drift back to black and part in a lengthy argu-
ter using midnight as the white cookies and fresh ment about spending fif-
time of destruction. seeded rolls from your teen dollars to paint a sign
Right now it’s about six old home and you uncon- on Main Street but then
minutes to midnight. It’s sciously argue the point. vote in favor of the new
been as close as three Flatlander clock goes back multi-million dollar fire
minutes to midnight. two minutes. (The same department budget with
It’s actually pretty silly. penalty when the argu- no questions asked. Add
Still, the idea has some ment is about the best five minutes.
merit if you put it into dif- pizza.) You buy a roof rake and
ferent circumstances. You are talking with a use it correctly. Add three
I thought the Flatlander native and while discuss- minutes.
Clock would be a good ing something you’ve done You complain about the
idea. that they’ve done as well “damned tourists” while
Anyone who is from they say “So don’t I.” You sitting in a “traffic jam”
“away” and has lived here let them know that really behind a dozen cars at
in New Hampshire long
enough knows that no
matter how long you’ve
B ISHOP BRADLEY
lived here – even if you
were sent across state
S ENIOR LIVING COMMUNITY
lines by a pneumatic tube
seconds after you were
born and never left New
Hampshire again in 90
years – you’re still a Flat-
lander.
O n the campus of St. Francis Rehab. and Nursing Center
A lot of folks argue with
W inter Special: Sign your lease by January 31, and receive
• F irst month rent free
me about this. They always • F lat screen TV for your new apartment
seem to think that there is
A service-enhanced senior living community gives you peace of mind and
some magic threshold of
a sense of security in a friendly, comfortable environment.
• Studio and one bedroom apartments.
years that you suddenly • Heat, lights, cable TV and housekeeping services included in rent.
cross that turns you in-
• P repare your own meals or choose to dine in our community dining room.
stantly into a native.
• Enjoy our wonderful social activities; Manager on-site
• Wellness nurse to help you to stay fit and healthy.
Certainly not true. But,
a Flatlander Clock would
C ontact Deb Sturgeon to schedule a tour.
be a great way to keep
O verlooking Beautiful Lake Winnisquam
4 06 Court Street, Laconia, NH 03246
some of those dreamer’s
6 03-524-0466
hopes alive that someday
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