On forgiveness and childhood sex abuse


By Pam Marolla R


ecent revelations about abuse in the Duggar fam- ily, known for TLC’s 19 Kids and Counting, and the ensuing public discourse, has motivated me to


write about my experience as an adult survivor of child- hood sexual abuse. With the help of many years of therapy, particularly


EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocess- ing; www.emdr.com), and the tender companionship of a husband who both gave me space and held me close when I tried to run or self-harm, I am where I am. Supportive friends, survivor networks and most certainly the grace of God also have made me strong. I’m a survivor. I haven’t had nightmares or flashbacks in nine years. Still, the Duggar story both triggered a lot of feelings


and made me profoundly numb to emotion. Ten there are those who cause further emotional and spiritual harm to incest victims by insisting on the need for forgiveness.


My story Between the ages of 8 and 16, I was molested frequently by a family member who lived nearby. Te setting was rural and remote. Tere were no neighbors to run to for help. If there had been the opportunity to break the silence, I likely wouldn’t have taken it. He threatened me. I was ashamed. When I finally told a few people, I minimized the


abuse and the damage. I had no idea, then, that the impact of the abuse would follow me around like a hun- gry dog for so many years. Each time my abuser was finished with me, he


expressed remorse and told me I needed to forgive him. Coming from a churchgoing family, I felt the burden to forgive. I believed unforgiveness was sinful. So I tried, even praying with the few people I had told, asking that I might more sincerely forgive.


26 www.thelutheran.org But I eventually realized that forgiveness liſted the


burden of responsibility off the man who had molested me. Yet I still carried the nightmares, flashbacks, body image issues, the self-loathing and shame of one who had been abused. Since I couldn’t blame him anymore because of that forgiveness, the only one leſt to blame for the horrible way I felt was myself. From adolescence through my early 40s, I wanted to


commit suicide but thought I would go to hell. When I discovered I wasn’t his only victim, I finally


broke the silence with my hometown family. In doing so, I found that many of the people I was trying to pro- tect already knew. Some told me to “get over it.” I don’t go back home anymore. Tere are family


members there whom I love and who have nothing to do with this. But it’s difficult to tell who sides with my abuser and who just doesn’t know what to say to me. Te echoes of his threats have hung over me my


whole life and still do. Te most difficult decision of my life was to not attend my mother’s funeral. I loved her dearly and miss her still. But I choose to remain in safe supportive places now.


Wrestling with theodicy I’ve been an ELCA pastor for more than 20 years. Teo- dicy (the question of why God allows evil) and I are old wrestling partners. I don’t want my words to uninten- tionally cause harm to those who are struggling. I no longer believe suicide leads to hell, though part of me is glad I once believed that because I’m still here. I don’t trust anyone who thinks they are holier than


Since I couldn’t blame him anymore because of that


forgiveness, the only one left to blame for the horrible way I felt was myself.


someone else. Tere are far too many evil things that many Christians keep hidden behind a facade of “moral superi- ority.” I detest the phrase “Every- thing happens for a reason.” Te reason might just be selfishness, pride, greed, envy, licentiousness, sloth, lust or just stupid choices. God isn’t trying to teach little rape


JACKIE LAKELY


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