“PADDLE HARDER!” PHOTO: SCOTT MACGREGOR
HOW TO MAKE YOUR NON-PADDLING PARTNER HATE WHITEWATER
Get psyched up with paddling porn.
It doesn’t matter that your weekend trips are to a local class III run, make your boyfriend of girlfriend watch the video of Tyler Bradt dropping Palouse Falls and a highlight reel from the Whitewater Grand Prix to show how truly epic paddling can be.
Build your partner’s confidence in you as a teacher.
They’ll be comforted to know they’re learning from the best, so run them through the complete history of your paddling career, including all the rivers you’ve run, the makes, models, pros and cons of each boat you’ve owned or borrowed, the full list of pro paddlers you’ve run into at various play spots, the life-saving rescues you’ve performed or seen videos of online.
Use the lingo.
Every sport has its own unwritten dictionary, and speaking in paddler’s lexicon as much as possible, whether or not your partner understands what you’re
10 PADDLING MAGAZINE
saying, will familiarize him or her with the whitewater culture. Full immersion is the most effective, so take special care to integrate these words when none of your paddling friends are around. “So fired up for our date tonight!” “Stoked to meet your parents this weekend.”
Emphasize that paddling is to be taken seriously, very seriously.
There are risks out there and your partner should know about all of them, however relevant. Massive recirculating holes, foot entrapping rocks and undercuts, strainers, shoulder dislocations and shattered spines. Prepare them by providing descriptions and examples of all of the above.
Gear up!
Since the water will still be icy when the river is high enough to show your partner what it’s all about, lend them the old wetsuit you swapped out for a new, less smelly one last season or show them how to squeeze their face through the tight latex gasket on your spare dry top.
Don’t worry about how these garments fit; it’s only their first day. Strap them into a borrowed PFD and give them a brief introduction to the pulleys and carabineers in the pocket, just in case.
Go to popular play spots where you’re sure to run into a lot of your friends.
Tell your friends how stoked you are for your new girlfriend or boyfriend to fall in love with whitewater, get really good at it and join the crew every weekend.
Scream at them to “paddle harder!”
No matter how safe they are, a feeling of panic will inspire them to keep that paddle moving.
Focus on fine-tuning technique.
Sure, they think they’re having a blast muscling that boat downstream, but the angle of that paddle stoke just isn’t quite up to snuff. Shut it down. Do drills in an eddy until they look perfect or lose interest. —Emma Drudge
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