20 Humour


band in 1948. In his incredibly varied career he was cartoonist for the Daily Mail, a journalist for Punch and formed his own record company. Here he shares his story of music and his beloved humour in his wry, wonderful and witty stories peppered with some of his own great jazz favourites. Two CDs running time nearly two hours. ONLY £5


71385 DOC MARTIN:


Complete Series One DVD by Martin Clunes


Martin Clunes stars as Dr Martin Ellingham, a celebrated London surgeon who turns his back on city life and moves to a sleepy Cornish village to become the local doctor. Despite his surgical brilliance, he has no interpersonal skills and his bedside manner soon starts to upset his new patients, causing havoc


throughout the village. As the community becomes united in horror at their foul new GP, the good doctor soon finds he needs all the allies he can get as he tries to negotiate his way around village life with hilarious consequences. Series one and two available at this bargain price. ONLY £6


71384 DOC MARTIN:


Complete Series Two DVD by Martin Clunes


The scenery, as ever, is stunning in this fun series. Martin Clunes is back as the curmudgeonly Dr Martin Ellingham, whose truculent and tactless manner causes mayhem in the small Cornish community of Portwenn. Back to help, and sometimes hinder, are Aunt Joan, Bert and Al Large, the local


plumbers, local bobby PC Mark Mylow and school teacher Louisa Glasson, who is no clearer about her feelings for Doc Martin than she was when she first met him. With special behind-the-scenes feature, 45 minutes. Colour DVD and a companion to Series One code 71385.


ONLY £6 69658 MR MUSIC MASTER


CD by Hoagy Carmichael A great 20th century songwriter, that casual, lazy air hid strong professionalism and a lyrical genius which makes us all still love his songs and sing along on this real desert island disc. He is joined by


Spike Jones on drums on the opening title track, Stardust with Frank Sinatra and Tommy Dorsey, Rockin’ Chair with Mildred Bailey, Moon Country, River Boat Shuffle, Two Sleepy People, Skylark, Hong Kong Blues, One Morning in May, Lazy River, Blue Orchids with Geraldo and His Orchestra, Little Old Lady with Gracie Fields, Georgia On My Mind with Nat Gonella, Swing Me A Swing Song with Ella Fitzgerald and more stars appear with him on this bargain priced compact disc running time just short of 68 minutes. ONLY £4


69648 STATESMEN OF BRITAIN CD by Pavilion Records Does history repeat itself? A hearing of this record suggests that it might, for the utterances of the politicians presented are largely concerned with such perennial problems as unemployment, world trade, financial provisions for the underprivileged and most importantly the assertion that the speaker’s party is the only one worth voting for! Here is a fascinating historical document, leavened by light-hearted comment of the time. The 19 contributors include Asquith with his speech on the budget, Lloyd George, Churchill’s election speech, Eamonn De Valera St. Patrick’s Day message, talks by James Maxton and Ramsey MacDonald, Stanley Baldwin, the first Baron Beaverbrook Max Aitken, Tommy Handley - The Empire Party, Anthony Eden with a speech from the League of Nations on sanctions against Italy, Chamberlain’s speech at Heston airport, Churchill’s Not this… speech and finally Billy Cotton and his Band with The Man With the Big Cigar. Bargain price. ONLY £4


66160 DYLAN THOMAS POETRY CD


read by Richard Burton Includes Fern Hill and Death Shall Have No Dominion, Lament, Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night, A Winter’s Tale, The Ballad of the Long-Legged Bait, The


Hunchback in the Park, excerpts from Homage to Dylan Thomas recorded at the Globe Theatre 1954 plus bonus tracks by Hugh Griffith and Emlyn Williams. ‘He was greatly affected at the death of his favourite drinking companion, Dylan Thomas…When Burton died in 1984 he was buried with a copy of Dylan Thomas’s Collected Poems.’ - James Murray. Bargain CD, 72 minutes running time. ONLY £6


69376 VOICES AND NOISES OF PETER USTINOV CD by Peter Ustiniov


This was a man who had been everywhere, knew everyone, seen everything and could do everything and kept his sense of humour about it all. The Grand Prix of Gibraltar,


Phoney Folk-Lore and Mock Mozart with Antony Hopkins on harpsichord are among the ten tracks included on this CD, playing time just over one hour. Drivers’ Meeting, Governor’s Speech, Le Mans Start, The Arrival of the Duke and The Race (Including all Pit Stops) are among the other gems featured. ONLY £6


70753 HANCOCK'S HALF HOUR: The Best of Tony Hancock 2CDs


Two CDs of classic radio and television sketches by one of the 20th century's funniest men. Accompanied by a stellar cast (Sidney James, Hattie Jacques, Bill Kerr, Kenneth Williams), Tony Hancock entertains for over 150 minutes. CD 1 The Wild Man of the Woods, A Sunday Afternoon at Home and The East Cheam Drama Festival and CD 2 contains The Publicity Photograph, The Secret Life of Anthony Hancock, The Blood Donor and The Radio Ham. Available at a super budget price. ONLY £7


HOW TO...


Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone.


- Charles M. Schulz


71208 HOME COMFORTS by Cheryl Mendelson Nothing quite this Beetonesque has been published for a long time on the art and science of good Housekeeping. From packing a suitcase to making a good fire, ironing and folding to keeping surfaces free of bacteria, working with household help, insurance, negligence, electrical safety, fire,


bedding, pets, caring for books, jewellery, china and crystal, ceramic tiles, rugs and carpets, vacuuming, removing stains from fabrics, common laundry mishaps, safe food, serving meals and making your routines easier with the organisation of housework through schedules to save time and money while making things homely is the objective of this tremendous compendium. Phew! 884pp in huge softback with illus. £16.99 NOW £3.50


64440 ELEVEN-PLUS BOOK: Genuine Exam Questions from Yesteryear foreword by Dr Martin Stephen, High


Master of St Paul’s School The eleven-plus is the most maligned exam in the history of UK education. With this nostalgic book, you can now enjoy getting competitive with your friends and family as you discover whether you can meet the standards of the 11- year-olds of yesteryear. Put your


brain to the test with questions such as: A man is packing eggs in boxes, each of which holds 56. When he has packed all the eggs, he finds he needs 2 more to fill 32 boxes. How many eggs does he have? Good luck! 160 pages.


£9.99 NOW £3 66403 PRACTICAL KNOW-HOW FOR


GRANNIES by the Women’s Institute Whether they are new to being a granny or have umpteen grandchildren, this is a smart little pocket book packed with ideas for holidays, summer picnics, seasonal albums, maintaining the relationship from a distance, games, photo albums, growing veg, play dough, hands- on cooking, rainy days, coming to stay and much more. With simple recipes, art and craft ideas, little gardening tips for aspiring green fingers, illustrations, quotes, wit and wisdom. 96 page softback. £6.99 NOW £1.25


68610 SANDCASTLES MADE SIMPLE by Lucinda Wierenga


Known as ‘Sandy Feet’, sandcastle sculptor and instructor Sandy Wierenga is a multiple international sand sculpting contest winner. These creations are quite breathtaking right down to the detail of doors and windows, a spiral staircase, a diminishing balcony, spires and finials and even simple projects very young children can try, like making a sea turtle. 128pp in softback, colour photos.


£6.99 NOW £1.50


69293 COST EFFECTIVE SELF-SUFFICIENCY by Eve and Terence McLaughlin


Self-sufficiency may not be as challenging as you think. Making the most of what you’ve got is a basic principle. Getting started involves tools, nets, frames, a greenhouse and a compost heap, and you may want to plan for wildlife. A sowing calendar is a useful point of reference, and after that the authors describe standard crops such as potatoes, onions, leeks and tomatoes, with some less common ingredients such as nuts, endive or chicory. 256pp, line drawings, websites. £14.99 NOW £4


70797 ECO LIFESTYLE


HANDBOOK: Over 2,000 Tips for the Home and Garden by Sarah Callard, Esme Floyd and Diane Millis


Here are over 2,000 easy-to-follow eco tips to help save you money. From reducing pollution to avoiding toxins, from sustainable gardening to home decorating, and from ways of conserving energy to minimizing and recycling waste, there are chapters


covering all the key areas of your life - home, office, garden, beauty, health, shopping and food choices. 398 paperback pages, illus with list of resources. £9.99 NOW £2.50


70800 PERSONAL TRAINER: Hand and Foot Massage by Mary Atkinson


Simple, safe and highly effective, hand and foot massage is one of the most popular ways of relieving tension and anxiety. Among the health benefits are better blood circulation, improved flexibility of joints, healthier skin and nails and a greater sense of physical and emotional wellbeing. This easy-to-follow colour illustrated guide gives step-by-step instructions accompanied by photos to teach you quickly a variety of massage techniques and hand and finger exercises to ease aches and pains and maintain strength and flexibility in your hands, wrists, feet and ankles. Learn how to give a pedicure, a manicure, massage during pregnancy, a reviving foot massage after a long day shopping or walking, or a self massage for tired and aching hands. Also notes on checking your diet, cramps and common hand and foot conditions. 128pp in paperback. Colour. £6.99 NOW £3


70516 IN THE WARDROBE: WI Practical Know-how


Our illuminating Women's Institute little book guides you through the secrets of organising and caring for your clothes as well as creating the perfect wardrobe for any occasion. With fun accompanying quotes and decorative illustrations and fab hints like using citrus peel or bicarb of soda in shoes overnight to refresh them, how to polish leather handbags, treat stains, repair buttons and more. Would make a pretty gift book. 96pp in softback. £6.99 NOW £2.50


!


= Gift Idea where you see this symbol HUMOUR


Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.


- Victor Borge


70784 BIG BOOK OF FOOTBALL’S FUNNIEST QUOTES


by Iain Spragg, Stuart Reeves Ferguson and Motty mixing their metaphors and stating the blinking obvious: ‘It was handcuffs at dawn’, ‘The world cup is a truly international event.’ Tony Gubba does the maths: ‘Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine goals.’ ‘I hate being kicked when I don’t have the


ball.’ - Lionel Messi. 1500 ridiculous quotes, confused clichés, mangled metaphors, idiotic footballer insights on and off the pitch, words and chants from funny fans, managers, players, referees from ‘the beautiful game’, here is much football crazy talk. 512pp. £12.99 NOW £3.50


70566 PURPLE RONNIE’S LITTLE GUIDE TO GIRLS by Purple Ronnie


A mini book which fits in your hand or handbag to bring a broad smile to your face. Here are poems about girlie girls, posh girls, sex goddesses and earth mothers - ‘They love having baths in rhinoceros dung and rubbing their bosoms with clay, it


may not look pretty or smell very nice but it’s just much more natural that way.’ Hilarious line art cartoons by Giles Andreae.


£2.99 NOW £1.25


70567 PURPLE RONNIE’S LITTLE GUIDE TO MEN by Purple Ronnie


Poems about gadget men, sport man, girly men, wide boys, mummy’s boys and macho men - ‘Some men think its cool to bare a bulging chest with loads of hair, but if you talk to one you’ll find his brains are stuck up his behind.’


Hilarious line art cartoons by Giles Andreae in this teeny weeny mini book. £2.99 NOW £1.25


70712 MISADVENTURES by Sylvia Smith Often unintentionally funny vignettes of 200-300 words only, this is a compelling and poignant unlikely bestseller. Sylvia Smith presents a comic chronicle of daft boyfriends, embarrassing medical conditions, lopsided friendships, retail mishaps and observations of ordinary life and people. Presented chronologically from her childhood and pets, and schooldays in the early 1950s through to meeting the black man in Tesco in 1995 when she was aged 50, each chapter header will introduce a character giving their age, background and Sylvia’s age at the time. Dry, droll delivery. 248pp in paperback. £6.99 NOW £2.50


70776 1001 RIDICULOUS WAYS TO LOSE A


FORTUNE by Wayne Williams and Darren Allen When Peter Blake designed the Sergeant Pepper album cover he was paid £200 which included the copyright, but the authors are not sympathetic, commenting “Who’d have thought that an album by the biggest band in the world would prove so popular?” A shopaholic who went out to get a head for an electric toothbrush returned with £14K’s worth of clothes and shoes, some of which did not even fit her. Even Rembrandt was a compulsive spender and in 1656 had to sell most of his art collection and his house to meet his debts. With “top ten” sections and fascinating financial facts at the bottom of each page. 288pp. £9.99 NOW £3


70796 EATS, POOPS AND HEAVES by Allison Vale


Here are more than 1,000 humorous observations from many well known celebrities, philosophers and great thinkers. ‘People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.’ ‘Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.’ ‘Insomnia: a contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.’ ‘I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.’ - Woody Allen. Hilariously irreverent comments and questionable wisdom from both sides of the pond. 192pp, cartoons. £9.99 NOW £3


70827 ILLUSTRATED WRINKLIES’ WIT AND WISDOM by Rosemarie Jarski


Senior citizens are now living life to the full, taking on new challenges and showing us all how to grow old disgracefully. Here is life, love, the universe and Viagra with coffin-dodgers finding lots of laughs and inspiration. An interviewer and John Betjeman: ‘You’re 76 years old now. Do you have any regrets in life?’ Betjeman replies ‘Yes, I haven’t had enough sex’. And also on this page entitled Regrets, Joan Bakewell says, ‘I rather regret I haven’t taken more drugs. Is it too late, at 70, to try cocaine? Would it be dangerous or interesting?’ Keith Waterhouse, the Simpsons, Welsh proverbs, John Mortimer, Tom Baker, Stephen Fry, Lee Marvin, David Letterman, David Bailey, Ozzy Osborne to Barbara Cartland all have their say in these witty one liners. Colour photos. 160pp. £12.99 NOW £4


70814 MORE ILLUSTRATED WRINKLIES’ WIT AND WISDOM: Humorous Quotes About Getting on a Bit


by Alison Rattle and Allison Vale Viva Viagra! Noël Coward: ‘I’m not a heavy drinker; I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.’ I Shall Wear Purple, Golfing Grandpas, Young at Heart, Pass the Port, Driving Miss Daisy, Vintage Vigour, Life is a Cruise, Last Laugh and Epitaphs are among the chapter headings in this energetic collection from sexy, sassy and sophisticated seniors. 160pp with humorous colour photos throughout. A companion to 64485 Big Book of Wrinklies’ Wit and Wisdom. £12.99 NOW £3.50


70817 NUMPTY! - A Guide to Loveable Thickoes by Mike Haskins


Numpties are mini-potential disaster areas who walk among us every day. Here are all the polite(ish) names for them like twerp and blockhead, where you are likely to find one, how his brain works (or doesn’t), aspects of their appearance, hair styles, their driving habits, the Numpty on holiday, Numpty leaders (George W. Bush, Sarah Palin) and lots of general rudeness about our fellow human beings in this complete guide to loveable thickies. 160pp. £9.99 NOW £2.50


70829 YOU DON’T LOOK THAT OLD! by Rickard Fuchs


Sometimes there can be a big difference between how old you feel and how old you really are, or how old you look. Can you read this with glasses, without glasses or have you lost your glasses? How do we change as we age? How do our interests change, our friends, our finances and topics of conversation? Here is a funny book with a touch of seriousness that deals with the many ways we change as we get older. It is filled with wisdom and humour relating to the ageing process from food for wrinkles and hobbies to plastic surgery, clothes and hair, why time passes more quickly. 160pp with an actual mirror inserted on the front cover! £9.99 NOW £3.25


70834 ULTIMATE BOOK OF NAUGHTY GRAFFITI by Greg Knight


18 things we can learn from dogs like never pass up the opportunity to go for a walk and run, romp and play daily, remember teacher is an anagram of cheater, anagrams, limericks, strange reports and quirky happenings, this is an off-the-wall compendium of insulting graffiti and abuse in the gents, ladies, office notice boards and more. 225pp in paperback. £6.99 NOW £2.50


70835 WHEN I WERE A SCHOOL LAD by Andrew Davies


Over 80 sepia photos from schooldays of bygone times are wittily captioned by the author for a hilariously nostalgic treat. “Mash were a primary ingredient of every school dinner” and school meals were dished up by a terrifying army of dinner ladies: “When they weren’t away with the whaling fleet, or wrestling third bout on the bill at Winter Gardens, dinner ladies used to dish grub out”. School milk was free but tasted “somewhere between yoghurt and wallpaper paste”. The pupils at “Our Lady Immaculate Fascist School for Girls” are pictured in the P.E. lesson doing something that looks remarkably like a goose-step. 144pp, archive photos. £9.99 NOW £4


34998 VERY RUDE LIMERICKS


by Stephen Cordwell “An insatiable lady from Spain, had multiple sex on the brain. She liked it again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again.” “The limerick form is complex, its contents deal mainly with sex. It burgeons with virgeons and masculine urgeons, and a wealth of erotic effex.” The first limerick originated from a song about a sailor from


Limerick, Ireland and dates back to the 14th century; the five line nonsense verse has now become universally known as the limerick - funny, clever and often rude but always bringing much amusement. For adults only. Cartoons.


ONLY £2.50


70289 ARE WE THERE YET? Greetings from the Simpsons by Matt Groening


32 very large sized colour postcards featuring the silliness of this adorable American family and their neighbours like Mr Burns, the tyrannical owner of Springfield’s nuclear power plant and the bartender at Moe’s Tavern, Krusty the Clown, second banana Milhouse, Itchy and Scratchy, bundle of joy Maggie and of course Homer and Marge. For sending to your friends ‘Wish you were here’ and ‘thinking of you’ messages. Softback. $12.95 NOW £1.50


70548 THE NAKED CARTOONIST by Robert Mankoff


Mankoff is cartoon editor of ‘The New Yorker’. Here he encourages us to try a new way to enhance our creativity, expose our ideas and bare our wit. With the help of some of his well known cartoonist friends, he takes us on an entertaining words-and-pictures journey through the art, craft and Zen of cartooning. Along the way he provides lots of personal anecdotes about his development as an artist and about life at the world’s most urbane magazine. Dozens of examples throughout, plus colour photos. 400 cartoons, some colour. 144pp. ONLY £6


LITERATURE


“It’s Christmas Day!” said Scrooge to himself. “I haven’t missed it. The Spirits have done it all in one night. They can do anything they like. Of course they can. Of course they can.”


- Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol


68854 THE COSSACKS AND OTHER EARLY STORIES by Leo Tolstoy


Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace and Anna Karenina, the greatest novels ever written, did not emerge from a vacuum. They were preceded by at least 20 prose works of different kinds, some of them masterpieces in their own right. These stories may be viewed as a fascinating encounter with literary predecessors


such as Rousseau and Pushkin, and they are never far removed from autobiography. Tolstoy succeeds in combining a realistic description of the Caucasus with his hero’s personal vision of the locality. Nor is this success the only one in this remarkable period. Reading these early stories gives a penetrating insight into the workshop of a towering literary genius. Paperback. 357pp.


ONLY £2


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