#2. AVOID SILVER
This should be obvious but many people overlook it. Silver is fatal to the Lycan-positive. Being shot with a silver bullet or stabbed with a silver blade will kill you. Just being near the substance can cause illness or mild skin irritation. As such, make sure to throw out all of your silverware. You’ll be dining with plastic utensils from now on. If you’re concerned about the environment, you can purchase a wooden set. Those are only dangerous to Vampires. And to hell with those guys.
#3. INVEST IN AN ELECTRIC GROOMER
Those disposable CVS blades won’t cut it anymore. Literally. The reinforced hair follicles will be too tough. To continue shaving you’ll need to invest in an electric groomer to bypass in-grown hairs and skin rashes, which are significantly more painful with a breakout of Werewolf hair. Really it is best to avoid shaving to the skin and opt for trimming instead, giving yourself the permanent 5 o’clock shadow. And don’t wax. NEVER wax.
#4. GET A NICE PAIR OF STRETCH PANTS
Statistically even the most effective protection only works 99.9% of the time. You will not control every transformation and it is very likely that you will get out. Your main concern will be getting rid of the remains and cleaning up all of the entrails before you’re caught, and you won’t want to worry about waking up naked in a blood bath on top of that.
The most well-known Wolfmen almost always maintain their dignity by trusting their legs to a good pair of britches. Even celebrity spokesman and affected Lycanthrope, Hugh Jackman, manages to cover up with a designer wolf’s mane thong.
But for those of you with a bit more modesty, make sure to look for whatever brand the HULK wears. You know the ones with extra elastic in the waistband -- comfort and security all in one pair of pants.
#5. BEING OPEN WITH YOUR PARTNER
Lastly, one of the most difficult things about being diagnosed with Lycanthropy is being honest about your condition with your friends, family and loved ones. Confessing is a big step. Rejection, disgust or anger are very real reactions people will have to news of the affliction. However this is only because they are misinformed. Share with them the information you’ve learned here and make sure to explain that its okay to lead a healthy, full life with Lycanthropy. Be open about your own concern and try to get them to see it from your point of view. True you will likely lose some friends after this, but you can always eat them if they’re going to be mean about it.
It’s especially important to tell those you are engaged with sexually, as they are at high risk to become infected as well. In order to not spread the reach of Lycanthropy, you must take precautions to maintain safety in your continued sexual encounters: Keep your finger and toenails cut short to avoid scratching (this is good advice for anyone, really), and make sure your partner has a trace amount of silver or animal tranquilizers on hand should you get too ferocious.
So go out there and enjoy life. Just keep reminding yourself that you are NOT a monster, you are a person... who happens to turn into a werewolf every now and again. And that’s okay.
THE GRAVEYARD EXAMINER • DEC 13 - DEC 19, 2011 7
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