Living With Lycanthropy
by Elvis Kunesh
Do you have trouble sleeping at night? Are you finding hair growing where there was no hair before? Does your nose always seem to be cold? If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions you may be at risk for being infected with Lycanthropy.
Don’t worry. being Lycanthropy isn’t the end. It is important to know that this condition is not terminal and that you are not alone. Every day thousands of Americans diagnosed with Lycanthropy lead normal, healthy lives by choosing to live within the confines of their condition. Yes, your life will change. But that doesn’t mean that your life is over.
Firstly, if you suspect you are carrying Lycanthropy, DO NOT WAIT UNTIL THE FULL MOON TO FIND OUT. Doing so would be incredibly dangerous and your irrational behavior may result in deaths or fatal injuries. The initial outbreak is much too powerful to control as your bloodlust and sex drive will skyrocket, so it is best to take precautions. There are several ways to tell if you might be infected. Ask yourself:
1. Has my body hair gotten thicker, coarser, darker?
2. Do I have increased physical stamina and strength? 3. Do I smell better? (Your nose) 4. Do I smell worse? (Your odor) 5. Was I recently bitten by a wolf?
One sure-fire test is to walk into a pet store. If you are greeted by a barrage of inexplicable howling, you are most likely a Werewolf. Or David Bowie.
Now that you know you have confirmed that you are Lycan-positive it is important to follow these steps:
#1. MAINTAIN A REGULAR SLEEP, DIET AND EXERCISE SCHEDULE.
Sleep, diet and exercise are always the forefront of any recovery, and it’s no different here. You should keep a regular sleep schedule waking at dawn and going to bed early in the evening, just after sunset. Avoid the night as much as possible, as the moonlight enhances your primal urges. And never get caught under the full moon. Keep track of the lunar cycle so you can safely lock yourself away during your ‘time of the month’.
Diet and exercise will keep your extra animal energies on an even keel. By eating a nutritious, balanced diet and exercising regularly you won’t be craving to fulfill these urges during an outbreak. This will make you more likely to not break down your door, run amok or eat people.
6 THE GRAVEYARD EXAMINER • DEC 13 - DEC 19, 2011
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