2005 Buyer’s Guide: Recreational The New World Order Conflict resolution on the gunwales of a recreational canoe story by Mark Schatzker illustrations by Lorenzo Del Bianco
IT’S BEEN THREE YEARS since George W. Bush declared the United Nations to be unrelevant, or irrevelant, or, er… a waste of his time. Since then, neither he, nor anyone else, has sug- gested a diplomatic means of settling conflicts, both big and small. Until now. Canoeroots is pleased to offer a trou- bled world a uniquely Canadian con- flict-resolution mechanism: gunwale bobbing.
So world, show us your wars, your simmering disputes, your stalemates and your trivial celebrity feuds. We will show you a calm lake at dusk— the type of lake where children, already late for dinner, while away the hours with a recreational canoe, pit- ting themselves against one another in bloodless contests of grace and poise. In these contests in which cheating is impossible, victory is clear-cut and might never makes right. There, perched on the outer edges of that most perfect symbol of balance and harmony—a canoe—disputants who bring strife of any sort into this world will face each other, bob and weave, wiggle and recover until one party feels the flush of defeat, and a new age of peace ripples forth.
ISSUE:
Wresting WMDs from the hands of tyrants and/or bringing freedom to Iraq and/or fighting terrorism, or some combination thereof.
COMBATANTS: George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein.
TACTICAL ADVANTAGE GIVEN TO: Bush While at Yale, George W. spent six hours a day on the teeter-totter, giving him an unrivalled sense of balance.
ISSUE:
Who should reign as the queen of pop?
COMBATANTS: Britney Spears and Avril Lavigne.
TACTICAL ADVANTAGE GIVEN TO: Avril Lavigne Lavigne’s from Napanee after all, and is also an accomplished sk8tbrdr.
32
www.canoeroots.ca
TOP SECRET
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64 |
Page 65 |
Page 66 |
Page 67 |
Page 68