switch to a luxury yacht somewhere in Southeast Asia where two entrepreneurs are trying to convince a wealthy investor to fund their broadband business. The discovery of a strange body floating overboard leads them to the same island where they discover the titular lost tribe, a group of ape-like hu- manoids who hunt them down one by one. Who will survive and, more to the point, do we care? The answer is no. The Lost Tribe


Overlooked, Forgotten and Dismissed Food Issues


This issue: Lance assembLes a scream Team


RED SCREAM VAMPYRES Medicine Show Cinema


Set predominantly in an inexplicably abandoned train station, this narrative mess of a film is centred on Elenora and Theodora – two sexy lesbian vampires (are there any other kind?) who pick up young men to feast upon. Trouble en- sues when Theodora falls in love with an intended victim (whoops, make that one bisexual vamp), sparking a love triangle with predictable results. Although it’s rife with cool kill scenes, lots of gore and spurting blood, it’s unfortunately


also rife with an inappropriate death metal score and film school cinematography (repetitive scenes, coloured filters and slow-motion footage) that looks silly and out of place. It’s been called an hom- age to the Euro-sleaze of Jess Franco, but I think old Jess would be less than flattered. BODY COUNT: 7 SCREAM COUNT: 19


Don’t Go Near the Parka


SILENT SCREAM Lionsgate


What is it about horny teenagers at a cabin in the woods that always spells dis- aster? This snowy slasher, also known as The Retreat, follows a bunch of college students spending a winter weekend at a secluded cottage, where they’re me- thodically picked off by a parka-packin’ maniac who looks like he just walked off the set of Urban Legend. Though it sounds like the same boring, predictable blood- baths that we’ve grown accustomed to over the years, Silent Scream actually boasts a half-decent cast, a high body count (including a Lucio Fulci-inspired eye


gouge and a couple of hatchets to the head) and a very inventive, seldom-seen twist ending that makes the whole thing worth watching – well, that and the usual gratuitous amount of bare breasts and blood, of course. BODY COUNT: 14 SCREAM COUNT: 19


Scare Metal


SCREAM DREAM SRS Cinema


Directed by Donald Farmer (known for such forgettable titles as Vampire Cop and Cannibal Hookers), Scream Dream was originally released in 1989 but didn’t surface on DVD until recently. When the singer of a heavy metal band gets the boot, she uses witch-like powers to possess her replacement and se- cretly feast on the group’s fans. That’s the set-up for this low-budget film, which features a pretty shitty transfer, low production values, cheesy dialogue,


frizzy hair and enough spandex to swaddle all the members of Mötley Crüe. Thankfully, there’s some nice prosthetic effects from Tom Savini’s former assistant Rick Gonzales, and Amazonian scream queen Melissa Moore to look at. Plus, you can’t get too down on a film that begins with a topless chick getting cut in half with a chainsaw. BODY COUNT: 9 SCREAM COUNT: 116


LAST CHANCE LANCE RM40


is populated by clichés (obnoxious businessman, sexy hippie, ambi- tious entrepreneur), not characters, so their deaths are meaningless. As for the film’s most interesting idea – that the Church (Catholic, we as- sume) is desperate to eliminate ev- idence that would disprove creationism – is both underdeveloped and underwhelming, especially given the wide acceptance of evolution and Catholicism’s waning influence. And the obvious stylistic nods to the film’s influences (a mud-slathered heroine à la The De- scent, the unique visual perspective of the creatures à la Predator) only remind us of its down-market ambitions. Let this tribe remain lost.


SEAN PLUMMER SOMEBODY WAS HIGH ALRIGHT


ALTITUDE Starring Jessica Lowndes, Julianna Guill and Ryan Donowho


Directed by Kaare Andrews Written by Paul A. Birkett Anchor Bay


We’ve all gone into our local video store looking for a cool


new movie to watch and picked up a title based solely on the cover art alone. It’s called marketing and there’s a whole in- dustry of people whose sole job is to make shitty products look good. Respectfully submitted for your approval is one such example, a movie called Altitude. Just look at that cover art, dammit! The small passenger plane climbing through a foreboding sky, with a person dangling out of the back door while a set of tentacles closes in! How could you not want to rent that? The film centres on five college friends who rent a plane


in order to fly to Montreal to see a Coldplay concert(?!). If that isn’t scary enough, the plane develops mechanical problems along the way and climbs uncontrollably into a thick black storm cloud where the radio and cellphones won’t work and a huge floating octopus thingy is waiting for a snack. Unfortu- nately, it’s here that the film starts to spin out of control as the group turns on each other amidst laughable scenes of over- the-top bullying, blaming and condemnation. Setting it entirely within the


claustrophobic confines of the plane, director Kaare Andrews must’ve realized that this was going to have to be a charac- ter-driven movie, so it’s odd that he filled it with horribly two- dimensional cutouts who remain unlovable stereotypes right to the very end. Once again, I am drawn back to the cover and the promise


of a monster never fully realized, which remains the movie’s ultimate downfall. As per the adage, beware judging anything by its cover because in this case, Altitude takes a nose-dive. LAST CHANCE LANCE


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