Abandoned by fathers and incested by mothers, men feel
disempowered and resentful. Unacknowledged over time,
and facing continual avoidance and denial, this issue
festers into isolation, anger, violence and addiction. These
are all forms of covert male depression, a syndrome well
documented in Terence Real’s groundbreaking book, I
Don’t Want To Talk About It, a must-read for anyone seek-
ing to understand men.
While males hold much compensating privilege in
our society, we don’t feel empowered in the primary area
of human relations. Many men find themselves unhappy
in their partnerships, often with women who are con-
vinced that men hold all the privilege and who therefore
scapegoat their partner. This adds to the already rampant
feelings of isolated disempowerment and leads to the clas-
sic “mid-life crisis,” when a man desperately seeks to find
his own near-dead sense of self.
The
Trauma
This deep despair in men leads to the very wars and vio-
Legac
Hidden
y of Men
lence that then perpetuate the problem. Male doctors cir-
cumcise male children, seating into the body of that child
the violence, betrayal and unconscious hyper-arousal from
the previous male generation.
As this child grows, he is alternately abandoned and
dominated by older males, incested and disempowered
with the belief of male privilege by women, and eventu-
ally becomes a father to perpetuate the cycle. This pattern
is only broken when enough serious inner work is done
to allow the painful awareness of this dire situation to
emerge, when men seek the company of other good men,
and when men and women begin to communicate about
these issues.
The good news is that the pattern is beginning to
break. Nationwide, there is resurgence in understand-
ing these problems and finding solutions. Locally, New
Mexico Men’s Wellness (www.nmmenswellness.org) offers
support as men come to terms with these issues.
When men come together in deeply authentic ways,
positive changes happen in all areas of our lives. We
realize we are not alone in dealing with these particular
issues. As we find our true selves and reclaim the inner
authority to repair our individual lives, we do our part to
heal the wounds in all of our relationships. It also sets the
stage for emotionally healthier future generations of men,
and women. When we heal within, we heal the world
around us.
Lon Rankin, M.A., LPC is a transpersonal psychotherapist
with a private counseling practice in Santa Fe, NM, where
he specializes in work with men, man woman relations,
and offers a men’s group called “Exploring Our Masculin-
ity.” Other interests include neurobiology, the use of non-
ordinary states of consciousness for healing, African drum-
ming, ‘self-first’ activism, and quiet time with the natural
world. He is an alum of Southwestern College in Santa Fe.
June 2009 25
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