The Children’s Society Magazine | Spring 2009 |
07
Star interview
y
Daniel came to the project and met
Donna. He was apprehensive at first.
‘He didn’t know who to trust and he didn’t
‘
It helped. We felt like normal people again. I could look
at the other women and see that they were just like me
want to betray his loyalty to either parent.
It became pretty clear in our early going on inside. Here are the things that and the house is stable. Sue no longer
sessions that if Daniel was showing his they keep to themselves, the bad things. goes to their father if they have problems. ’
.
feelings through aggression, then Sam It’s a way of getting them to think about Before they leave, I chat to the boys.
might be feeling isolated and withdrawing their feelings and start to open up. I ask them what they want to be when
as a way of coping with his true feelings.’ they grow up. Footballer seems to
As their sessions continued, Donna would be the unequivocal answer from both.
Soon the two brothers were attending the sit down with Sue and talk to her about I ask them what they like about the
sessions individually. Donna used different what the boys were feeling. For Sue, this project. ‘Donna and being able to talk
specialist exercises to draw them out and was the hardest part of the process. ‘I’d to someone.’
talk about their experiences. One was thought that I was a good mum because
the Domestic Abuse Life Story box. I was getting them to school on time, they I stay and talk to Donna. We talk about
The outside of the box represents their were clean, fed and I loved them. I hadn’t some of the children she’s working with.
external feelings – things other people been really listening to them. I’d always ‘It’s very heart-wrenching sometimes
are seeing. The inside tells a different believed that I was the adult, that my when we get referrals – having to take
story. Just in pictures and words from decisions were always right.’ in details of things that have happened
magazines, the children can relate what’s to some of these children.’ She tells me
Daniel hadn’t always wanted to go and about a little boy in the nearby Asian
‘
I didn’t want to say that
stay at his dad’s. He’d see his dad making community. ‘Before fleeing to this
his mum cry. Then his mum would rely on country, he’d witnessed his mother’s back
I needed help. It was like
his dad to discipline them if they were being broken. Later on, his father set fire
saying I was useless, that
naughty. Daniel didn’t know who to trust. to him and wouldn’t allow any medical
assistance. Eventually, he got septicemia
I was a bad mother
‘I couldn’t honestly say where we’d be and maternal family members helped
now if we hadn’t come here. I didn’t want the family to escape to England. He
because I couldn’t cope
the boys to grow up thinking it was was referred to our project by a plastic
acceptable to treat women like I had surgeon. Inside his box were words
been treated.’ and phrases like pain, nearly killed me,
Home is where the hurt is
’
.
I was scared to sleep, terror, left for dead,
Sue’s relationship with her ex-partner was we have been through so much together,
• Between 2006–2007, 6,121 incidents still destroying her relationship with her don’t suffer in silence. Then he’d cut out
of domestic violence were reported children. ‘It was all about me and how I a picture of luggage with the words
in Oldham alone. felt, not them. I didn’t realise. And if that finding a place to call home.’
was the case, why did I leave? Nothing
• 750,000 children a year in England had really changed. He still had the power.
and Wales witness domestic violence. It was a vicious circle. The children had
now become the reason we argued.’
• Every three days, a woman dies as a
‘
I couldn’t honestly say
where we’d be now if we
result of this violence. It was important for Sue to start rebuilding
hadn’t come here
her self-esteem – to know that she wasn’t
• Children who live with domestic a bad mother. The project helped by not
violence are at increased risk of only talking her through the sessions but The doorbell goes and Donna lets in a
behavioural problems and emotional by making her feel worthwhile in the young boy. He’s come to look a
’
.
t the
trauma, and mental health difficulties simplest way. A local beauty salon heard Christmas presents the project has for
in adult life. about the project and offered to hold a him. After he leaves, Donna says, ‘He
day for some of the mothers. ‘It helped. doesn’t want to go home. That’s another
• 30% of domestic violence starts in We felt like normal people again. I could one of my children who‘s still living with it.
pregnancy. look at the other women and see that they The violence, everyday. It’s better to hang
were just like me. It was part of helping out on the streets than go home.’
• Children who live with domestic me to feel good about myself and start
violence are at increased risk of to deal with other issues.’
P
15,000 children in Nottingham are
R
behavioural problems, emotional
O
affected by parents who abuse drugs
J
trauma, and mental health difficulties The family started to talk openly to each
E
and alcohol. This year our STARS
C
in adult life. other. Sam and Daniel started to realise
T
Project worked with 100 children
S
that they were not alone. The fighting
and their families, offering support
The Children’s Society Resolve Project, stopped. Sam became more confident.
and counseling to children as young
Holts Village, Oldham. 0161 633 8888 Daniel started to accept love and to trust
as three.
his mother. They have boundaries in place
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