FEATURES


Kaj agreed to provide


for me to come face to face with another dead child, and I couldn’t handle it. I waited for Lisa to come


home and told her how I was feeling. I also went off on a tangent and started talking about a time in Bosnia when my team came under enemy fire and a mate was shot in the head (he lived) and I started to well up a bit. I wasn’t right and she could see that. The next day, Lisa took me to my GP, and I got signed off work. I had a psychological


assessment and was diagnosed quickly. I wasn’t shocked and to be honest felt comforted and validated. I finally had something to hang my feelings and behaviours onto. I wasn’t this heartless, soulless man because of my genetic make-up; it was because of years and years of trauma exposure. The flashbacks came thick


and fast all day and I couldn’t control them. It was like a bag of popcorn kernels that you microwave, listening to them go pop, pop, pop, pop. Life was horrible and Lisa


“ I’d had enough. For the first time in my life I considered suicide”


found it really hard. I wasn’t her rock anymore, I wasn’t the glue that held everything together, I was needy and vulnerable. I wasn’t the man she married. The kids were ignored mostly, and if I did communicate with them it was meaningless. Hypervigilance is a one


of the symptoms of PTSD and basically means that you are constantly scanning your environment for threats. It’s horrible and drains you. You question everything and you look for things that are not necessarily there. Around January this year,


I’d had enough. For the first time in my life I considered suicide. I researched it a lot. I knew that the life insurance would be sorted so Lisa and the kids would be


financially sound. I knew it would be by hanging and that I would do it in the local woods. I was prepared to sacrifice the mental health of a dog walker and the colleagues who would have had to cut me down. Selfishly, I didn’t care, I just wanted the pain to end. Then I had a meeting that


changed my life. I met with Insp Kaj Bartlett, the Equality Lead for Sussex Police Federation. Kaj has known me for years and had never seen me this way before. She referred me to the charity Police Care UK. Within two hours they had made contact and in two days I had my first Eye Movement Desensitisation and Re-processing (EMDR) session. During the first session,


we dealt with the two deaths I mentioned. EMDR doesn’t remove the memory, but it will remove the trauma. I left the session exhausted but exhilarated. I knew I was on the road to recovery. I went home and couldn’t wait to tell Lisa. I was so excited, but she was very cautious at first thinking I was putting on an act.


workplace strategy coaching for both Lisa and myself. She taught us models to use in work and life in general, and I must say that it has been transformational. Both Lisa and I agree that it should be given to every teenager whether going through a crisis or not. Six sessions later I went


back to work on restricted duties. I cannot perform the on-call function anymore for fear of secondary trauma. I battle with guilt everyday with that as I see my fellow DI, my mates picking up the slack that I have left. They have been so supportive. After completing my therapy.


I feel as though the re-set button has been pressed. I feel better than normal and the biggest compliment I have received to date has been from my wife. She said that she has got her husband back but with sparkles on. I hope that if you are


struggling that you talk to somebody. Don’t let your ego write cheques that your mental health can’t cash. Yes, I’ve nicked that from Top Gun!’


If you need a listening ear, ask your Police Federation rep to refer you to our Welfare Support Programme where staf are available 24-7 to take your call. See www.polfed.org/wsp


OCTOBER 2020 | POLICE | 29


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