Is This Thing On? Words are the method in which people communicate verbally, but what happens if those words in a conversation betray you? I've often thought that my words have betrayed me. I could hear what I want to say but because of the block which appears at random, I’ve been unable to say what I wanted to say. There's no movement I can make with my mouth that would magically stop my stutter and magically allow my words to pass. I don't have a key to a doorway that will allow my words safe passage. I do, however. have the ability to open my mouth, the entrance and closure of a spoken word. My mouth is the gateway to my thoughts, to my stutter, to who I am. I adorn my lips with lipstick but I cannot dress up my words in any specific way.
What's Buried Beneath The Surface?
I've stuttered ever since I was a child and have attended speech therapy through middle school. Every emotion I've ever had associated with stuttering I've internally locked away until my mid-twenties, when I first started writing about stuttering and being more open in conversations and more open with myself. I've attended various yoga classes over the years and when moving through different sequences, the yoga teachers always provide words of encouragement, confidence and comfort. They say to be aware of what emotions come to the surface. They say to be present. Finally, I'm allowing myself to see what rises to the surface. I'm allowing myself to come to terms with and understand the thoughts and emotions I didn't want to face all those years ago. In moving my body, I'm allowing what I've hidden away to rise to the surface in order to understand the thoughts moving within.
Am I Invisible In Conversations?
I live in a world populated by fluent people but my words belong to the world of stuttering. I always have words that want to spill out of my mouth in conversations, but sometimes the words emerge distorted. Sometimes, a vowel is elongated or a consonant has an extra syllable. Sometimes, when I am in a conversation, I don't say anything at all. I become invisible. My physical body is there, but because I am unable to say certain words or express certain thoughts, I wonder if I am even there at all in a conversation? The people in the conversation are unable to see my internal battle of forcing the words out until I begin to speak. My body is the vessel of my words and sometimes it breaks down before I am able to speak, leaving the words I want to say trapped within.
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