and finally...


Alien lizards in Covid conspiracy shocks


Chris Proctor unmasks the Marsians at the Tattle of Trafalgar avid Icke was a


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reporter with Leicester locals, Newsnight and Breakfast Time before he slipped my mind


and apparently misplaced his own. Last month, he returned to the spotlight as a star speaker at a rally in Trafalgar Square. He was urging ‘no more lockdowns’ and ‘no to vaccinations’. He was especially incensed about face masks – items, he hyperventilated, sported only by ‘sheeple’. His reservations about Covid-19 are based on his conviction that it is all a hoax, overflowing mortuaries notwithstanding. He maintains that the deception was organised by extraterrestrial reptiles, the Archons (or possibly the Anunnaki), who arrived on earth 6,000 years ago. All well and good, but then he also


believes the royal family are lizards. I know Prince Andrew is giving Icke all the support he can on this one but I still feel it’s unlikely. Amazingly, his 10,000-odd audience listened to him without visibly cackling. But then I fear not all the assembled anti-lockdown protesters were of rational bent. I was especially concerned for the folk grouped around the flag of the British Union of Fascists. Yes, fascists demanding liberty. Isn’t


that a little like vegetarians insisting on their steaks tartare? The Mosleyites demand for freedom was nicely encapsulated by the attendee who pointed out: “Everyone can’t go to pop concerts until Boris Johnson says so.” So they want the right to do exactly as they please. Equally, they seek a society with a leader who will force


them to do precisely what he tells them. It must be terribly difficult being a fascist. I’m honestly not convinced it’s worth the bother. Jeremy Corbyn’s troublesome brother Piers (I blame the parents) was arrested for the third time since lockdown began and fined £10,000. The first time he was pinched was in May at a protest against 5G, which he considers a more likely cause of the virus than visiting aliens. He’s not without his shrewd side, Piers. NUJ members were also in


attendance, writing stories and getting the pictures. They stuck out like an Anunnaki at a bar mitzvah on account of their wearing face coverings. It was a pleasant juxtaposition to see the goodies in masks and the baddies in full view. If it catches on, it should dramatically improve police detection figures. Journalists’ responsibilities in


attending events like this provoked an interesting debate on the union’s Facebook page. Some brave soul questioned whether, given the risk of spreading infection, we should refuse to turn up to mass photoshoots and spurn snapper packs. But how could we do this with our picture-focused industry constantly demanding new images? One suggestion was to allocate a single snapper to each job. But then we’d need to agree how to divvy out the fee and, far more importantly, who should take the shot. Good luck sorting that one out. Photographers can argue for days about lighting, angles and backgrounds; and different outlets are all looking for particular images to


reinforce their take on the story. Do they want Boris with a finger up his nose or in Churchillian pose? Would they like him statesman-like or manic? Finding a manic image was probably


not tricky at Trafalgar Square. I imagine reporters were in more trouble. Why should a conspiracy theorist speak to the media when we are all manipulated from Mars? If we report that 81,000 jobs were lost in July, how do they respond? “Who told you that?” “The Office for National Statistics.” “What! You believe an organisation headed by a supernatural Madagascan ground gecko?” You can’t win. The government must


24 | theJournalist


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Finding a manic image was probably not tricky. But why should a conspiracy theorist speak to reporters when we are all manipulated from Mars?


have felt like that with its hokey-cokey holiday disruption scheme. I’m sure they meant well and once, I’d decided to stay at home this summer, it proved a tip-top spectator sport. It was like watching a strange game of unlucky dip. I pictured experts with a list of countries on one side of the table and a pack of cards on the other. Each country is dealt three cards and, if they get two colours, visitors have to self isolate for a fortnight. Watch out for spikes. And why a ‘spike’? Isn’t a spike the


thing you put middling stories onto? Or a tool favoured by Vlad the Impaler? Incidentally, Prince Charles has frequently boasted that he is the great-grandson (16 times removed) of the skewering Vlad, through the lineage of Mary, consort of George V. The prince remains tight-lipped about speculation concerning a reptilian torso. Lizard-fancier Mr Icke continues to monitor the situation.


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