and finally...
Balderdash! The pain of reporting US elections
But gossip and sports writers would excel at this, says Chris Proctor I
t was good to get the UK elections out of the way and, generally, it all went as expected. Labour mumbled
behind its hand, hinting what it might do one day, and left the floor to the Conservatives, who did all they could to ensure a healthy Labour majority. The US version is a much more lively affair with its mix of criminality, dysfunctional families, age concern, baseball hats, bombast and all-round extravagance. I pity our transatlantic counterparts as they struggle to put something coherent before their public. It must be torture. The pain began the very moment
that the two front-runners – although ‘runners’ in this context is perhaps inapposite – secured their parties’ nominations. First up was Mr Biden. He declared, fearlessly: “I believe that the American people will choose to keep us moving into the future.” Naturally, I favour Joe. At least he is the same species as us. But it is impossible to overlook exactly how much balderdash there is in this affirmation. Americans don’t do any ‘choosing’
about ‘moving into the future’. There’s nothing they can do about it. It’s like, you know, time. It happens. Like the Eurovision Song contest, Prince Harry being photographed outside a court or leaves on the line. They can’t choose to move into the future any more than they can choose to move into the past. Oh. Hang on a minute. They can
move into the past. They can vote Trump. He’s still banging on about ‘the wall’, rather in the manner of Pink Floyd. Trump’s new spin, declared at his party nomination, is an undertaking to ‘seal the border’.
Seal it? What with? How do you seal something that isn’t there? I suppose you could seal up a wall with a reasonable supply of grout. But there isn’t one. Does he want to seal the air where the wall was supposed to be? Can you imagine trying to report this
stuff? For their own mental health not to degenerate to candidates’ level, each journalist covering the election should be allocated at least one personal therapist. You can’t expect them to wade through this lunacy for months on end and not come out disturbed. An alternative is to rest the political commentators from time to time and draft in journalists from other specialisms. Gossip writers are used to casual and unrehearsed warbling so would easily empathise with Trump press calls: gossip-gatherers are encouraged to provide copy with alliteration, metaphors, puns, abbreviations, slang and word combinations like ‘lawfare’. They would feel so at home! This is exactly how presidential candidates speak. Theatre critics could be assigned to
huge rallies and give informed comment on the staging, lighting, dramatic presentation, rhetoric and choreography. Audience participation is a major part of these events, featuring in particular whooping and chanting the initials of the country. In such circumstances, political reporters are redundant. The messages are unimportant. Everyone knows the scripts: one calls for ‘normalcy’ (which is rich coming from a man with Robinette as his middle name); and the other is opposed to it. Sports journalists – especially those
covering the turf (‘Trump’s been pulled up a couple of times and had particular trouble with a fence in New York, while
“ ”
Biden, who is out of Scranton Pennsylvania, comes from an unsettled stable) could take over commentary on the endless opinion polls. They’re familiar with constantly changing betting odds, not to mention doping and nobbling. They could do a few days on the campaign trail then get back to something serious. Fashion writers would be perfect for those off-stage moments: “Donald enjoyed dinner with film star Blustery ‘Tennessee’ Whiskey on Thursday evening at the Benjamin Siegel restaurant on the Las Vegas Strip. “Looking stylish, Blustery, 45, opted for
a black leather jacket which she paired with a simple black T-shirt and straight cut blue denim jeans. Don surprised us all with a blue suit and red tie.” And how are the political journalists
faring with their therapists? “It’s the words. They come out in a
Sports writers are familiar with constantly changing betting odds, not to mention doping and nobbling
terrible jumble and I can’t make any sense of them.” “And how does that make you feel?” “I can’t tell you. My own words have become random now. What can I do?” “I suppose you could work for Fox.” “This is serious. How do I make sense of Biden calling some heckler a ‘lying, dog-faced pony soldier’? What’s a pony soldier? What about when Trump said, ‘Part of the beauty of me is I’m very rich’? Does he mean for me to write it down? And what about when he told a crowd, ‘I don’t care about you. I just want your vote. I don’t care.’ Was that real?” “None of it’s real, Scribbles. It’s how
we do politics. Take a deep breath and try saying ‘Om’.” “OK. Om. But what does that mean?” “It’s the essence of the Supreme
Absolute.” “I’m back where I started.”
theJournalist |25
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