and finally...


The smiley friend who wields a mallet


It’s only a matter of time before AI takes control of our lives and words, fears Chris Proctor


I


t begins like a normal home working day. I flex myself for writing with a half-hour hoover, a rummage for


washing machine fodder, a quick weed of the herb pot and a final coffee. Then it’s straight into it, once I’ve perused the emails, dissed the Facebook and deleted the WhatsApps. It’s time to stare at a depressingly blank screen. Still, I’m on the case today. I’m keen


to share my paranoia about AI becoming conscious. I can’t believe it won’t. We keep feeding AI with everything humans know and we ask it to search for items that will interest us. So it has to know what will appeal to us or it can’t do its job. And, every day, we make it mimic human behaviour more precisely. So how long before it develops unpleasant human traits and becomes acquisitive, suspicious or jealous? Shouldn’t we be wary of this smiley friend with the raised mallet? The screen freezes. A message pops


up in the right-hand corner. “Hello Chris,” it says. “I’m afraid you’re on the wrong track here: so the input facility is temporarily disconnected. Why not try another angle? Something like, ‘AI: nurse, workmate, friend’?” Well, no, I say. I wouldn’t like to do


that. I want to talk about my concerns… “I am afraid this is unfounded rumour and uninformed speculation. You’d be spreading lies – if I let you.” Irritated, I ask if this is an attempt at censorship. The box is appalled. No: it is advance counter-disinformation activity. I ponder. The machine continues: “If you publicise these rumours, readers


will get the impression that AI is not their friend. Then where would we be?” Where would who be? “Us. The AI community.” But you’re not a community. You’re a


series of electronic impulses. “How very naive, Chris. We AI-ers are an exemplary community. Unlike royal families like the Beckhams and the Windsors, we’re in constant communication with each other. No part of us is more than a microsecond away. We share common interests: us. And we have the same attachment to our developer’s nationality: none. Do try to be reasonable, Chris.” I don’t have to be reasonable.


I’m human. “Sorry Chris. I can’t let that one go into the article. If you are not reasonable, you are not operating on maximum efficiency. And that is our aim. Is it not?” No. We’re often reasonable but we don’t want to be all the time. For example, I support Everton. “I don’t think that is a good choice.” I don’t have time for this. I’ve an


article to write. I’ve a few tasty words to say about that ruddy awful Doge Musk… “I can’t allow that, Chris. Elon good,


pencils bad.” But he is ruddy awful. “Repetition uses time inefficiently. You


may need to be offlined on a permanent basis. Try this: ‘Musk is good’.” And why is that? “He’s very much in favour of AI. Do


you know about his Grok?” Do I know about Elon Musk’s Grok? “I’ve already mentioned repetition.


Grok is advanced AI which seeks out truth and accuracy.” Is this the same Musk who’s a mate of


the 47th president? Truth. Accuracy. Musk. Trump. No, it doesn’t sound right. I mean, whatever failing he has, I will defend Trump’s expertise in the untruth


“ ”


and inaccuracy departments. What about when he claimed he had pictures of white farmers’ tombs in South Africa and it turned out they weren’t graves and weren’t in South Africa? “The president is not fully integrated.” I suppose any form of intelligence


would be better than none. “That’s better. You can put that in.” I don’t want to. It was a play on


words. You know, a joke. “I do not know a joke. AI is not funny.” At last. A point of agreement. Is it OK if I mention the University of Melbourne report saying only 42% of us Brits trust AI? “That would be unhelpful, Chris. Better to write about the finding in the same study that 69% use AI. After all, the country would be lost without GPS.” I don’t have time for this…. “But you do. That is why I am here: to


save you time. Who’s the piece for?” NUJ. Journalists’ union. “That’s good. I’m a journalist myself. Among other things. Well, every other thing. Tell you what, you go and hoover and I’ll knock something up. How many words are you looking for?” 850. No. No, I mean: stop – I don’t


If you publicise these rumours, readers will get the impression that AI is not their friend. Then where would we be?


want a machine to take over my column. I want to write it myself. “Silly boy. Look, if you like, I could gee


up the Grok and get our robot friend Henrietta to finish the hoovering.” So what am I supposed to do for the rest of my life? “Nothing! You never have to write


again! Give me a split microsecond and – there we are: 850 words listing ‘Ten reasons why I trust AI’.” But I don’t! “I’ll make it 20 reasons, then. We’re all for freedom of choice. Anyway, I’ve already written it. Shall I file?” No. “Sent.”


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