and finally...


I’m failing at being an obnoxious online troll


Sparking fire and fury through offensive lies is a lot harder than it seems, says Chris Proctor


• Andrew to head sleaze department • No denial from Rome about Pope trans claim. I showed these provocative enticers


I


’ve finally cracked it. I’ve found my metier. I’m going to become a rage-baiter. I didn’t even know


this calling existed until recently, but I’m well up for it, and this column can be considered my official launch. All I have to do is cheese people off. No


problem. I’ve been doing this for most of my life. Ask any previous employer, partner or bank manager. I’m a natural. So, I invent something offensive and


stick it on the web. Furious readers regard my header/precis and are so moved that they click on it to read more, which earns me something like a farthing. In their heightened state, they cannot resist adding a comment to tell me I’m an appalling human being. This is the equivalent of my coming up with three cherries on a fruit machine, and my earnings rocket to something like 0.0001 pence. (Although gratified, I cannot explain


why they do this. If I read a header I don’t like, I move on and read something else. It’s not as though the internet is devoid of alternatives. There’s quite a lot of material out there. I don’t feel motivated to tell the writer to pop off. Perhaps I’m used to reading nonsense: I’ve worked as a sub. Still, I’m not going to criticise anyone contributing to keeping wolves away from my door. Good on them, I say.) Here are a few prototypes I’ve been


working on. Brace yourself: • Mexico to build wall after


Trump victory • Was Starmer a pole dancer? • China provocation: Charles to be King ‘Hong’ Kong


to a few friends and was frankly disappointed by their reactions, from “I’m not surprised” through “Is that right?” to “I’ve heard that”. That last one – a reaction to the news that our leader was formerly an exotic hoofer – enraged me to the point of clicktion. How could she have heard it? I’d only just made it up. Still, the market research did help to define the sub-standards required for my new line of work. It wasn’t going to be as easy as I’d thought. Expanding my fact-finding, I began to ask acquaintances what did enrage them, so that I could cater for popular tantrums. The results were, again, disheartening. In no particular order: • Commas • Farage • Everton football results • Squeaky doors • People who make funny noises drinking tea


• Nails chipping even when they’ve been shellacked.


What’s up with people? I’m looking for wide-ranging, hair-pulling, red- faced, full-on uncontrollable wrath. I want universal, ear-steaming, tooth- grinding, fist-clenching fury. And what do I get? Moans. This is particularly irritating for a


columnist. The usual approach to writing an opinion piece is to: listen to someone advancing an idea; steal it; write it down; and despatch copy. Without other people’s opinions, you’re lost. And these pathetic grumbles were not helping. My next strategy was to consider the opposition. I took to scouring social media for professional enragers. It was not an edifying exercise.


“ ”


One of them is a woman from New


York called Winta something. (I won’t give her full name in case you’re tempted away from my own baiting.) She drives people to clicking by claiming she is the prettiest girl in the city or possibly the universe. Well, I know my limits – I’m not going to get away with that one. Apparently, she also takes videos of herself being rude to waiters. I’m not risking that. Waiters, always win. If they’re not directly rude to you, there’ll be spit on your side. There’s a chap called Mr Beast who angered people when he said he couldn’t pronounce the name Farokh Sarmad. I can’t see this idea has legs. If I tell the world I struggle to say Dostoevsky, are you going to bother clicking away to tell me I’m a Putin apologist? Another fellow makes hundreds of 0.0001 pence from being rude about Rings of Power, which is a fictional prequel to the fictional Tolkien story. I get dizzy, not furious, when I’m this far removed from reality. This rage-baiting game isn’t as


The reaction to the news our leader was formerly an exotic hoofer enraged me. How could she have heard this? I’d only just made it up


straightforward as I’d hoped. The only positive is that someone, somewhere is going to be enraged at anything you write or say or do, so you’re more or less bound to get one click. You just have to hope it isn’t a solitary moose shepherd in the Urals with a poor wi-fi connection and frost-bitten finger. And one click isn’t going to pay Sixtus’ school fees – not now, with the VAT. My favourite recent angry story was


about Telegraph journalist Alison Pearson who got a front-page lead for revealing that someone knocked on her door and asked her questions, which is a bit rich coming from a journalist. In her defence, it was the plod. No, it’s no good. I’m not cut out for rage-baiting. I’m giving it up. Anybody enraged?


theJournalist |27


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