These two flash scenarios led to daily, hourly abuse from him when we were married. I am not sure if I have reached the high water mark with him, but I feel it semi crested when he borrowed from my retirement account to purchase a car he wanted. When he went shopping for the car, I said, “Come back with anything but a Jetta.” He came back with a Jetta that was in


the shop more than it was on the road. When I sold the car, I found out that he did not even put my name on the title. I forged his name as I sold a car I paid for but never legally owned. A chill ran down by back that is indescribable. The second high water mark, occurred 10 years after our divorce when he abruptly decided one day that he wanted full custody of our daughters. Unbeknownst to me, he filed the motions with the court and I found the summons in my mailbox one Friday night. His pursuit of the children came at a time when I did not have a job. I was forced to borrow money from family and work seven days a week to pay the lawyers. These are things he has done that stand out. But his daily abuse of me to ruin or try to ruin almost everyday of my life has been more difficult that the above two examples. It is scary that I seem to be in his thoughts every morning as he awakens next to his wife. I am the first thought on his mind every morning. “What can I do today to Julie?” As he thinks on this he hugs his wife and says, “Good morning,” as the wheels are turning in his oh so evil mind. I never knew I was a victim of domestic violence until the fall of 2004.


“I wanted a loving husband who would love our


children. I wanted a happy home full of peace and


grace to raise our children in.”


I was hosting a health education day


fair at my middle school; one of the booths was the Coalition Against Domestic Violence. They had a bookmark. One side listed signs of a healthy relationship. The other side indicated signs of an unhealthy relationship. My relationship with the abuser had every sign of the unhealthy relationship except physical abuse.


An evil chill ran down my arms and I hugged myself to shake it off. I blankly said to the lady behind the desk, “Can I take this?” She said, “Sure.” I took it; I still have it today. It validated my reality. It was hard, very hard to look at the


reality. I wanted the reality to be different.


I wanted a loving husband who would love our children. I wanted a happy home full of peace and grace to raise our children in. These things were not around but there were plenty of accusations, blame, ridiculing and shaming. I don’t think any teenager dreams, “I want to grow up and marry a man who blames and shames me every day.” As the reality of my unhealthy relationship was manifesting, I got pregnant then miscarried. This was my third miscarriage. By this time in our unhealthy relationship, I did not expect any help or sympathy from the abuser as I had hopefully expected but never received with the previous two.


PHF Magazine April 2017 8


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