FRIEND IS IN TROUBLE:


WHEN A


YOU CAN HELP A FRIEND WHO IS LIVING WITH


TEENS -HOW DATING By domesticshelters.org


Sometimes the signs of abuse are obvious—you witness a volatile fight between your friend and his or her significant other, or your friend outright confides in you that he or she is being abused by their partner.


But more often, it‟s not so clear. Maybe your friend is being secretive, spending lots of time with a new partner and doesn‟t really open up about how it‟s going. Maybe he or she seems more withdrawn, sad or anxious. Could these be signs that your friend may be in danger?


“Friends usually can detect something but they can‟t put their finger on it,” says Susan Bernstein, licensed social worker and therapist. They may notice something that sets off alarm bells, but they try to rationalize the behavior. “No friend or family member ever wants to believe heinous acts are occurring, especially against the people they love,” she adds.


The various types of abuse can also add to the confusion. “Many people don‟t realize there are different types of violence—physical, sexual, psychological—so they don‟t pick up on it,” Bernstein says. Physical violence can be the easiest type to identify because bruises, marks and injuries are difficult to conceal. “It‟s the mental anguish, the psychological torment and isolation, or the secretiveness of sexual assault [and other non-physical abuse] that‟s often harder to detect,” she adds.


Watch for signs that your friend might be isolated, intimidated or threatened. If a partner is calling your friend names, making her feel bad about herself, or telling her she shouldn‟t hang out with her friends, that‟s cause for concern.


“If you‟re feeling that your friendship is jeopardized or your friend has had a change in behavior, trust your feelings,” Bernstein says. Take anything your friend confides seriously, even if your friend acts like it‟s no big deal.


Be aware that abusive partners can often come across as nice people. “Kids can be very smart but also somewhat naïve,” Bernstein says. “They think, „This is my friend. How can my friend be mean?‟ They don‟t see the shift in power or the manipulations.”


Don‟t blame your friend for getting into an abusive relationship. “Kids want to be liked, admired, found attractive and loved. They seek these things out. Perpetrators know how to manipulate that,” Bernstein says.


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