By Diana Dworin
Pass the faith DESIGN PICS
Dealing with death W
Framing it as a natural part of life helps children grieve
hen your child scrapes a knee, you’re there with a kiss and a bandage. The baby cries and you rush in to soothe. When your teen calls for help, you’re there to solve the situation.
Parents reflexively want to patch up problems that cause their children pain, but it’s not always possible. When children experience for the first time the grief that comes when a death occurs, parents can find themselves at a loss to fix it.
Although moms or dads can’t be expected to make their children’s sadness disappear, they can help them learn to navigate the experience of a loss, whether it’s the death of a pet, friend or relative. “We need to talk about death as being as natural as birth and life,” said Theresa Huntley, a social worker for the hematology and oncology program at Children’s Hospital & Clinics in Minneapolis. “If we’re giving kids chances to develop coping skills and we’re helping them gain an understanding about death instead of avoiding it, they’re going to be so much better equipped to deal with it later in their lives when it comes up again, which it will.” Huntley, the author of Helping Children Grieve: When Someone They Love Dies (Augsburg Fortress, 2002), said children can be full of questions when a death occurs, and parents shouldn’t shy away if they don’t have all the answers. Instead, moms or dads can help their children gain coping skills when they:
• Use clear and direct language. It’s important to rec- ognize that children vary in their understanding of death and dying, Huntley said. However, when parents express death in basic terms —using “died” rather than “passed away” or “went to sleep”—kids learn that it is something they can talk about candidly with them. • Gain practice. Huntley encourages parents to look for teachable moments to engage their children in conversa- tions about death. A newspaper’s obituary section, for example, can be an opportunity to discuss death from a less emotional standpoint than if your child is experi- encing the loss of someone they knew. Also, rather than replacing a dead goldfish in the tank before your child comes home from school, consider using the experience as a chance to gain practice in coping with death. A back- yard burial and a few words of prayer can help even a young child learn about the process of grieving. “It gives kids a chance to openly grieve, remember and express the feelings they have,” Huntley said.
DESIGN PICS Tried & true
Parenting resources that work
The Fall of Freddie The Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages by Leo Buscaglia (SLACK Inc., 1982) Death as a natural aspect of the cycle of life is the theme of this gently written classic. Freddie, a maple leaf, enters the world in the spring and comes to understand the phases of life as expressed through the passing seasons. The changes in leaves help illustrate the different and unique phases of life that ultimately lead toward death. Freddie grows until he is the last leaf on the branch—and as he lets go, he experiences a sense of peace. Although leaves appear and disappear each year, Buscaglia highlights that the tree lives on (though even it, too, has a finite life) as he weaves into the story the interconnectedness of life and death.
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www.thelutheran. org. Send questions to diana@passthefaith. org.
Lutheran mom
Dworin, 42, is a mother of three and a former parenting magazine editor.
March 2012 41
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