to try to figure it out. Turns out, they’ve been kidnapped by an eccentric evil scientist (Bjorn Johnson) who’s thrown them to- gether to undergo a macabre test of character. Sound familiar? However, instead of a series of useless, bloody trials designed to teach them each a meaningless, convoluted moral lesson, the scientist plans to keep them in the pit until they’re hungry enough to eat each other. He simply wants to observe who will get eaten first. Now, while the premise is shockingly similar to another well-known horror film, it wouldn’t be right to call this a “poor man’s Saw” because first of all, isn’t Saw a “poor man’s Saw?” No, this is more like a “man wearing gold chains and a cheap Italian suit Saw.” And say what you will about the ludi- crousness of that franchise, at least Tobin Bell delivers the goods with a perverse and sinister portrayal of Jigsaw. The evil scientist in this is about as menacing as a member of children’s musical trio Sharon, Lois and Bram. This movie is shitty right down to the cutlery! SFA
PIG HUNT
JAMES ISAAC Remember when, as a kid, you mixed
together a bunch of sugary cereals, trying to create the ultimate food, but instead just got a bowl of grey milk and a gut ache? Well, mix too many cinematic sub- genres and you’re courting disaster, too. Despite the shitty Photoshopped cover, Pig Hunt is only part giant, killer animal movie. It’s also a survival horror film, a
hillbilly revenge tale, a sex cult pic and an action flick that channels The Road Warrior. It features city boys (and a girlfriend) on a backwoods hunting trip,
who uneasily partner up with locals in pursuit of “The Ripper,” a mythical, gigantic wild boar. When they stumble upon a marijuana field and one of the group is killed, the hunters become the hunted. Pursued by hillbillies and something monstrous in the forest, they eventually encounter a sex cult led by a knife-wielding guru (!!!). Director James Isaac (Jason X, Skinwalkers) struggles to contain
this genre explosion, and the tone swings from darkly comedic to dead serious to surreal. But, with plenty of unexpected character and story twists, and a delightfully strange soundtrack courtesy of Primus bass-basher Les Claypool, this sugar-shocked Frankenstein of a film will leave you grinning. DA
ROAD KILL
DEAN FRANCIS We’ve all seen talent squandered on
bad scripts before, but it’s been many moons since I last saw a case as griev- ous as this. Road Kill, in which two young couples on a camping trip across the Australian Outback run afoul of a haunted big rig, is promising conceptu- ally, but it’s all for naught. Good-to-great design, editing, sound, stunts and effects
work, as well as surprisingly strong acting – it’s all here, so couldn’t someone have contributed a script that made a lick of sense? I don’t need every narrative twist fully justified but I haven’t seen this much completely unmotivated action since... well, probably something in- volving Eli Roth. People sneak up on each other unnecessarily, one guy drinks his urine after a few hours in the desert and a couple in the midst of a life-threatening situation fight over an old infidelity. Dude, ARGH! Director Dean Francis keeps it gritty and action-packed while
avoiding the usual modern horror film groaners – no obvious CGI, no music video wankery – but Road Kill’s script keeps putting him in submission holds. Only cinematographer Carl Robertson comes out unscathed, displaying a fantastic gift for photography and tremen- dous versatility when adjusting to the film’s shifting moods. Now, re- garding that über-cliché title... oops, out of space. JWB
The Wicked And The Wounded: (clockwise from top) Jeffrey Combs as Walston Rey in Dark House, ghostly children in The Haunting, victims in The Hunger, man on the menu in Grimm Love, and (opposite) an offering for the beast in Pig Hunt.
THE TOMB
MICHAEL STAININGER This loose riff on the short story “Ligeia” by Edgar Allan Poe stars wide-
eyed weirdo Wes Bentley (American Beauty) as an utterly unconvincing professor named Jonathan who leaves his beautiful fiancée Rowena (Kaitlin Doubleday) for a mysterious Russian student named Ligeia (Sofya Skya). Together, they flee to her mansion near the Black Sea where he soon learns her terrible secret. Apparently, she’s been extracting the souls of her dead victims in order to perpetuate her immortality. This proves to be too much of a bummer for Jonathan so he splits, prompting Ligeia to throw herself to her demise. In an act of extreme tackiness, Jonathan
marries Rowena then moves back into Ligeia’s mansion, where the spirit of his jilted lover proceeds to rightfully terrorize the living daylights out of them. Cameos by Eric Roberts (with a Russian accent!) and Michael Madsen (as a hopeless drunk!)
punctuate the fun and games, but in truth their presence is not nearly as diverting as it should be. The Tomb is a first-class clusterfuck of dodgy acting, terrible dialogue, cheesy music and wonky editing, but it’s not without its appeal. Beautiful cinematography and Gothic atmosphere abound, but it’s the sultry charms of Sofya Skya that turn this potential turkey into potent eye candy. SFA
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64 |
Page 65 |
Page 66 |
Page 67 |
Page 68 |
Page 69 |
Page 70 |
Page 71 |
Page 72