Is Mutual Abuse Real?


It’s a term often used as a manipulation tactic—true mutual abuse is rare


The definition of “mutual abuse” is exactly what you think it is—when two partners are mutually abusive toward each other. Survivors who have ever acted in self-defense may have wondered if they are in a mutually abusive relationship, or they may have been made to feel that way by their partner, family and friends, or law enforcement. But the truth is, true mutual abuse is extremely rare—many experts don’t even believe it exists. And perpetuating the myth of mutual abuse is at best irresponsible and at worst dangerous.


To say partners are mutually abusive or equal in abuse puts undue blame on the survivor. When a survivor hears that he or she is mutually abusive, what’s heard is that he or she is to blame, and that reinforces what the batterer has been saying all along—that the abuse is the survivor’s fault. The myth of mutual abuse also reinforces the behavior of the batterer—that his or her actions were justified.


Acting in self-defense is sometimes mistaken for mutual abuse by outsiders, including law enforcement who have to act on limited information and are under mandatory arrest laws.


“It can be hard for [law enforcement] to sort out the chain of events,” says Sherry Hamby, Ph.D., editor of Psychology of Violence, the scientific journal of the American Psychological Association. “What sometimes ends up happening is that they might arrest both parties even though one party was acting entirely in self-defense. This unfortunately makes some victims hesitant to call the police.”


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