Save for some exquisite slow-motion sequences and
an interesting parallel between the old fascist Gordon and his delicate nitroglycerin creation, Cold Sweat is a rather non-explosive affair. The Argentine perspective on recent real-life atrocities would be better served by a filmmaker without such an overt fondness for House of 1000 Corpses, and with a far better script. TAL ZIMERMAN
DISARMED AND DANGEROUS
YAKUZA WEAPON Starring Tak Sakaguchi, Mei Kurokawa and Jun Murakami
Overlooked, Forgotten and Dismissed Corporate Downsizing
THIS ISSUE: LANCE DOES MASSACRE MATH
CORPORATE CUTTHROAT MASSACRE MVD Visual
I’m always amazed by how movies that have the word “massacre” in the title often have really low body counts. Such is the case with this lame offering from Creep Creepersin (He, Peeping Blog). Set almost exclusively within the confines of a couple of office cubicles, it follows a group of employees forced to stay late one evening by their tyrannical boss, who has announced that she plans to fire two of them before daybreak. More of a horror-comedy than a
slasher flick, the cardboard cast of stereotypes (slut, drunk, man-whore, ditz, nerd, creepy custodian) do a shitload of talking and plotting but the slaying doesn’t start ’til the final ten minutes. Combine that with an inability to meet this month’s death quota and sorry, Mr. Creepersin – you’re fired! BODY COUNT: 8 ADPM (AVERAGE DEATHS PER MINUTE): 1 every 8.75 minutes
Strings Attached, Things Detached
THE PUPPET MONSTER MASSACRE MVD Visual
This one stars the same kind of puppets we all watched on Sesame Street, but I don’t recall those felt-covered fops screwing in graveyards or getting shot with assault rifles. After receiving invitations to spend a night in a mansion for a chance to win a million bucks, five teenagers discover that a mad scientist plans to feed them to a monster that he created for the Nazis. (Imagine if H.R. Giger worked on The Muppet Show and you’re almost there.) Filmed on a green
screen and featuring decent CGI, this is a hilarious film with great dialogue, good gore and a high body count. If you liked Meet the Feebles or Team America: World Police, you’re gonna love this. The blood and felt will fly! BODY COUNT: 58 (+ 2 bunnies) ADPM: 1 every 1.17 minutes
Top Honours For Goners
THE SUMMER OF MASSACRE Breaking Glass/Vicious Circle
Hold on tight, kiddies: this anthology allegedly holds the Guinness World Record for the highest body count in a slasher film. “Rampage” follows a guy who em- barks on a killing spree with a colourful array of weaponry (TV remotes, skate- boards, a potato peeler) after he himself is viciously mutilated while jogging. “Lump” stars sexy Brinke Stevens as a mother whose deformed child seeks bloody revenge on the people who tried to kill her. “Son of the Boogeyman”
explores what happens to a guy who discovers that his childhood nightmare nemesis is real. And “Burn” pits a group of teenagers against a mythical madman with a penchant for torture and torch- ings. Rife with gore and horrible performances, this is a great watch and an even better drinking game! BODY COUNT: 155 (+ 2 deer) ADPM: 1 every 37 seconds
LAST CHANCE LANCE RM38 C I N E M A C A B R E
Written and directed by Tak Sakaguchi and Yûdai Yamaguchi WellGo Usa
Not only did actor and stuntman Tak Sakaguchi (Mutant
Girls Squad) co-write and co-direct this movie (with Yûdai Yamaguchi: Meatball Machine), he shot it in twelve days, and even starred in it. Ambitious indeed, but how will it stand up to its lineage of blood-splattered predecessors, such as cult hits Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police? Based on the popular manga Gokudô Heiki by the late
Ken Ishikawa, Yakuza Weapon starts off as a promising action-sci-fi flick (with choreography by Yûji Shimomura: Alien vs. Ninja) featuring the typical Sushi Typhoon sen- sibilities: hammy joke-acting, crudely shot green-toned hand-held camera work, splatter galore, and a murder- revenge plotline – this time based on the Kumi crime out- fits of the Japanese mafia.
When crime lord Kenzo
Iwaki (Akaji Maro) is as- sassinated, his son Shozo (Sakaguchi) leaves his South American merce- nary base to return home to Japan, only to find himself in the middle of a huge gang war. Plus, his family has disbanded and his best friend Tetsu (Jun Murakami) is now a drug addict who just got out of
prison and goes mental when his sister is brutally mur- dered. Since he was last in Japan, Shozo developed the uncanny power of invincibility, and now lives with the be- lief that if you aren’t afraid of getting hit by bullets or stepping on land mines, nothing can hurt you. He is wrong. Eventually he gets his arm and leg graphically blown
off in the middle of a fight and, about halfway through the movie, is fit with bionic weapon replacements: a ma- chine-gun arm and a rocket launcher for a kneecap. Craziness ensues with mind-control powers, automatic- weapon toting nurses and even Tetsu’s dead sister get- ting turned into a multi-gun, with the ability to shoot something out of every orifice (yep, that one too). But as fun as this all sounds, predictably, the movie
drags on for ages, and by Sushi Typhoon standards this almost falls short of being a splatter flick (though there are some gunfight gore gags, such as being able to see right through a victim’s bullet-punctured skull). The focus here is on over-complicated mafia politics and drawn- out fight sequences. While far better than the last few re- leases that have come out of Nikattsu studios, it still makes one wonder if Ishikawa is spinning in his grave. JESSA SOBCZUK
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