of their predicament, but little is explained for the audi- ence’s benefit, either; a good twenty minutes of simultane- ously tense, gory and bewildering ridiculum is kept ambiguous until it’s finally clear that the rockabillies are aliens who have taken human form and Michelle is playing host to their new queen. Needless to say, this is a bizarrely scripted film that’s far
from perfect, but the helter-skelter twists will keep your in- terest. Buckets of blood are spilled, a couple characters are rendered into pulsing piles of viscera and the acting is above par. Recommended, just as long as you’re not looking for a movie of the straightforward kind.
TREVOR TUMINSKI PRISON HEX
CELL 213 Starring Eric Balfour, Michael Rooker and Bruce Greenwood
Directed by Stephen Kay Written by Maninder Chana Vagrant Films
If movies could be judged
purely on their locations, Cell 213 would look pretty damn good. Set in a crumbling, oppressive, abandoned prison, the film drips with the locale’s already inher- ently creepy atmosphere. Rusted chains and crumbling architec- ture are nothing new in horror movies, but the prison at the centre of Cell 213 (located in Guelph, Ontario, near RM head- quarters) really films well under some nice ’n’ grainy, fluo- rescent-heavy cinematography. There’s not a second when the possession and/or madness that the location inspires feels out of place. If only the rest of the movie could live up to its setting. The film concerns a corrupt lawyer (is there any other
kind in genre movies?) who is just about to get a client out of his dank pee-pee-stained heckhole when the prisoner inexplicably starts stabbing himself in the neck with a pen. The lawyer tries to stop him, but when the guards come in to investigate the ruckus it looks like murder. Whoops! Soon he’s imprisoned in his client’s old cell (#213, for those not paying attention), starts seeing bizarre visions and learns that residents of this particular unit commit suicide at an alarming rate. At first it seems like insanity, but gradually rumours that God and the Devil are battling over the in- mates’ souls start to sound about right. That’s a lot for one man to deal with and it doesn’t help that Michael Rooker plays the head prison guard, who just might be a little more involved with the supernatural shenanigans than anyone knows. The premise isn’t terrible, but Cell 213 tries to be too
many different movies at once. The filmmakers seem to think there’s something profound in the material that justi- fies a very heavy-handed tone, but it’s just a B-movie. Not a terrible one, just a thoroughly average one. The bland lead performances are at least balanced by one of Rooker’s patented turns as a tortured nutjob, while the film’s style and atmosphere smooth over most of the script’s inconsis- tencies. It’s just a shame that no one took the time to actu- ally make the screenplay as dark and layered as everyone in the cast and crew clearly wanted it to be.
PHIL BROWN LAST CHANCE LANCE
Overlooked, Forgotten and Dismissed Orgy of the Dead
This issue: Lance Wishes for The end of The WorLd
I AM VIRGIN IMD Films
When Richard Matheson wrote his classic apocalyptic vampire thriller I Am Legend, it probably never crossed his mind that somebody would fuck with it as much as this film does. Director Sean Skelding sets this brutal homage three years after a virus sweeps across the world, turning women into nubile young vampire vixens, with tattoos and nipple piercings, who want to drink blood and have sex all day. They’re all after Robby, the last virgin on Earth, who’s des-
perately trying to stay alive and protect his purity, which he accomplishes by spying on numerous bouts of softcore lesbian sex and running away with his tail between his legs. Not even a funny cameo by Ron Jeremy can help jack up this flaccid flick.. BODY COUNT: 17 BEST WEAPON: Huge dildo mounted on a reciprocal saw
Z-Strings
STRIPPERLAND! IMD Films
Apparently Mr. Skelding took a filmmaking course at The Learning Annex be- cause his follow-up to I Am Virgin is a really slick, super-cool parody of Ruben Fleischer’s Zombieland. This time, a virus has turned Earth’s women into hot zombie strippers and it’s up to a nerdy kid, who adheres to his own strict rules (i.e. Rule #8: Strippers Love Heels), and a gay cowboy in search of the perfect puff pastry, to save the day. It’s cheesy and campy but it’s also really funny,
and you’ll be surprised by its high production values. There’s even a great cameo from Linnea Quigley as a gun-toting GILF who leads an army of senior-citizen zombie squashers. When there’s no more room on the pole, the strippers will walk the Earth. BODY COUNT: 108 BEST WEAPON: A garden hoe used to kill a gnarly ho
I’ll Be Crap!!!
THE TERMINATORS The Asylum
The Asylum has really let me down. I count on them to get a mockbuster out on the shelves shortly after the film that they’re aping hits theatres, but when they pinched this one off in 2009, The Terminator had already been out for 25 motherfucking years! After an army of buff cyborgs try to kill off humanity, it’s up to a diverse group of sci-fi/horror movie stereotypes to get to an orbiting space station to (literally) hit the off switch. Though some of the effects are
actually quite good, it’s not enough to make up for a shitty story with shitty dialogue spouted by shitty actors. Not surprisingly, the director proudly declares on the commentary track that he’s the guy who “directed this piece of garbage.” BODY COUNT: 46 BEST WEAPON: Psionic Blaster/Spray-painted Super Soaker
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64 |
Page 65 |
Page 66 |
Page 67 |
Page 68 |
Page 69 |
Page 70 |
Page 71 |
Page 72