At the chalkface Noddy on acid


“Noddy on acid” – who could this be? A member of the cabinet. Guess. Go on. Right. The Gove. Monsieur Gove. The phrase is from Phil Beadle. Unfair? A cartoon insight? Of course. And spot on. Our education minister is skewered rather indelibly. It might explain a lot – all those loony initiatives, where the default position seems set on the gratuitously daft – maybe it is the drugs. It seems go to thus.


Nod drops tab, has acid flash, is told it’s utter balls, goes “mea culpa” – and has a quick u-turn for the better. I suppose he gets there in the end, but what a palaver. Recent hallucinatory schemes have included the cutting of school building funds by 40 per cent and the Booktrust charity by £13 million – no books for tiny paupers. “An unforgivable disgrace,” says Philip Pullman. “Gross cultural vandalism,” says Andrew Motion. Fair cop. Noddy goes flip-flop and “mea culpa” and has a u-turn and drops another tab and goes “Eureka!” – and cuts school sport. Marvellous. Isn’t the nation full enough of Blobbies and Bunters? Isn’t sport good for us? Everyone and the Queen says so. Another u-turn. And so it goes. “Let’s have


loads of academies! Parents wants them!” No they don’t. “Free schools are the answer!” No, they’re not. Research says so. Whoops. “Alright, let’s go Swedish!” Man from Sweden


he say Swedish Model rubbish. Whoops. “Let’s go Canadian then!” Man from Canada he say Canadian Model rubbish – “the ugly truth is the poorest are getting screwed”. Noddy well culpa – but no u-turn. The drugs kick in. “Let us return to the fifties!


The 1850s! With rote learning and gowns, kings and queens, deference and Dryden!” “Let’s not!” says


every teacher on the planet. Nod seems to be reaching synaptic burnout, psychedelic


meltdown. “Let’s get the army in!” Why? Because they’re


well hard? Cropped types


who bark clear instructions and are intolerant of ambiguity and weedy aesthetes like the English department. A terrifically bad idea. We had them in a while back, the Territorials, abseiling up walls and swinging, like Anne


Widdecombe, across classrooms. We thought they were Ofsted. And we had them in my old grammar school in the fifties. They were called the Combined Cadet Corps. Very odd fellows taught us to kill people we hadn’t met. We were compelled to wear itchy trousers and hobnail boots and wave bayonets and attack a sack. “Up through the ribs and twist it through the heart!” barked a cropped nutter with worrying relish. So, no thanks Noddy. Another u-turn please – and lay off those mushrooms.


• Ian Whitwham is a former secondary school teacher.


by Daniel White


Schools are being urged to get involved with this year’s Red Nose Day with fundraising resources and support on offer to help. Red Nose Day returns on Friday,


March 18, when schools up and down the country are once again being challenged to do something funny for money. The money raised will help


make a massive difference to peo- ple leading incredibly tough lives in Africa and across the UK.


Comic Relief, which first


launched Red Nose Day in 1988, has this year created a Secondary School Fundraising Resource Pack with resources for teachers to help them make Red Nose Day a fun and valuable experience for their students. The packs this year contain


an interactive CD-Rom featur- ing films that focus on Rojalba and Lawrence, two children in Uganda who are struggling to get an education. There is a short film about each of them, posing interesting ques-


tions that teachers can use as discus- sion points in the classroom. The bright A1 interactive story


posters allow pupils to further explore barriers to educa- tion and inspire them to make a difference. The pack also


contains a fundrais- ing guide offering ideas, event posters, a sponsorship form, stickers and balloons. Schools are also


being offered a scheme to help them order the famous red


noses for students. There are three “monster” versions to choose from this year (pictured). “Red Noses for Schools” allows schools to pay an £18 deposit for 60 noses, then pay the remaining £42 after Red Nose Day. Nearly 60 million red noses have been sold since the first Red


Nose Day in 1988. For more informa-


tion, or to order your free resources pack, visit


www.rednoseday.com


News


Schools across country urged to do something funny for money


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