At the chalkface

‘Sir!’ – A meditation

SPRING TUNES up. Daffodils bloom, small birds tweet, my heart sings. “Fuck off, sir!” Marvellous. Who says

deference is dead? “Yeah!” concurs his cropped

skull chum foggy with smoke. There are two boys behind the bike sheds. I’m on playground duty – just another teacher. I do some Zero Tolerance and get some names – “M Mouse; W Rooney”. Marvellous. I’ll have them. They’ll hang from a high beam in the next “Respect” assembly. “Fuck off, sir!” I

do. I walk off meditating on this outrage. We seem to be dealing with a pretty serious mixed message here. A degree of ambivalence. The final insult with forelock tugging – a sort of feudal dissin’. A semantic train wreck. A collision of class codes. It’s the “sir” that does it. Traditional. Proper. Patrician. I love it. Without it, the whole charade could collapse. It’s a safety valve. It gives us all space to move. It’s impersonal – a necessary formality. You can say almost anything with that final “sir”. “Ere, sir!” “Tell ‘im, sir!”

“Dog ate it, sir!” “Not as such, sir!” “Your mum, sir!” “You have a face like a squashed tomato, sir!” “Are you a poof, sir?” It cushions the blow. And it

continues in later life. All God’s children call you “sir” – alumni on buses, Tubes and streets – barristers, derelicts, surgeons, barrow boys.

“Good morning, sir?” says

Phoebe the TV producer. “Oi! Sir! Remember me, sir?

Titch, sir!” Ah, Brian “Titch” O’Hooligan. BA Mayhem (Hons) and now something in the City. And just yesterday – I’m wandering past a Ladbroke Grove Kebab Emporium. There they are! The Boys. They’re all over Britain, apparently breaking it. There they go with the old pimp roll – were they born with it? That Richard the Third shuffle? Urban monks with those off the buttock threads,

conspicuous Calvins and the Roy Keane Stare.

Passing civilians give them a wide berth. Not me. We’re

in the same club. School. I know this lot. Had ’em in detention. They are most solicitous of my welfare “Alright then, sir?”

Civilians are puzzled. Who am

I? The Mayor? The Mafia? Or a local lord collecting tithes for

Portobello Green? “Easy, sir!” They might still think I’m a

pillock, but I’ll never know. But it doesn’t trump swearing. That’s a red card. They’re off. I walk back through the pale sunlight to the Behaviour Modification Suite and put Mr Mouse and Mr Rooney in the big Black Book. There! Suspended. “For moral turpitude, bad language – and gross ambivalence.” Deferential little bastards...

editor@sec-ed.co.uk

News

Chalk challenge: Last year’s Young Pavement Artists competition attracted more than 26,000 entrants. The winners (main picture) included Alice Sanders from St Neot’s Preparatory School in Hampshire, who won the 11 to 14 category with her seal artwork (inset)

Pavement art competition launched

by Chris Parr

Teachers across the UK are being encouraged to sign up their students for the 2010 Young Pavement Artists competition in aid of the Muscular Dystrophy Campaign. The competition, which is

run in association with National Geographic Kids magazine, aims to raise awareness of muscle diseases while adding a splash of colour to school playgrounds up and down the country. Last year’s event inspired more

than 26,000 budding artists to cre- ate pavement art based on endan- gered species. The theme for 2010 is “strength in nature”. Schools are encouraged to

produce a range of images using chalk on stone, and then submit a photograph of the best one. The judges for 2010 include naturalist Steve Backshall and illustrator Nick Sharratt. In addition to the contest, which

has an 11 to 14 and a 14 to 19 category, the Muscular Dystrophy Campaign charity has created a range of lesson resources and lesson

plans, which are available online. They include information about how to produce effective pavement art, along with factsheets about muscle disease, animals, plants and extreme weather. Lauren Jarvis, editor of

National Geographic Kids, said:

“We are delighted to be supporting the competition for a third year. It always inspires young people to produce outstanding work of a consistently high quality, while encouraging them to care about the planet. “We hope the competition will

continue to successfully promote the vital work of the Muscular Dystrophy Campaign, and we look forward to seeing this year’s entries.” Around 70,000 people in the

UK suffer from muscular dystrophy or a related condition. The competition officially

launches on Thursday, April 8, and entries are £2 per student, with the money raised going to support the Muscular Dystrophy Campaign. Visit www.muscular-dystrophy.

org/pavementart for more informa- tion, and to register to take part.

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