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Police radar speed trap ©METROPOLITAN POLICE


landlord can claim his son ‘needs’ to move in, but the son never actually does, because by that time you’re long gone.) The


‘safe place’ becomes a


packed storage unit for displaced renters…with the special form they need to announce their move taped in a box, while they live in a hotel. My


correspondent did admit


that ‘many people frequently forget’ this mysterious form. I was tempted to tell him that MY policy requires that his demands be submitted on scented purple vellum. Instead, I wrote: ‘You sent your notice so late


that I am excluded from your traffic course. And furthermore, this was a stitch-up from the start, because your camera is a well-known speed trap.’ And using the phrase “stitch- up” is even more evidence that I am honoring British culture.’ Triumphant Law Enforcement


Guy: “Neener neener neener! I’m big, and you’re small! Our camera DOES catch a record number of lawbreak- ers! It’s true they’re not lawbreakers anywhere else, but the sea air of Southampton turns them wild and reckless, and then we are forced to


punish ‘em.” In the end, we paid £100 for a 5 mph alleged offence, instead of the £60 we already felt cheated out of, because he’s law enforcement and we’re not, and now our insurance is higher too, because of no traffic course. The constabulary told the inquisitive Southampton Mail that their system creates better drivers, but statistics record ‘offenders’ - the British pronunciation for ‘victims’ - nearly doubling annually instead. You can avoid my fate by fram-


ing DVLA form V5C and placing it on your mantel next to David Cam- eron’s portrait, with ‘DO NOT PACK’


sharpied across it. When you have to move, you can mail it to DVLA, Swansea, SA99 1BA where I sent my letter, but it didn’t count because it was a letter. An American friend once sud- denly announced that her husband was returning to the States. We all asked why. She replied: ‘He’s just had enough.’ No one had to ask what she meant. The unspoken words are always there: ‘If you don’t like it, you can leave.’ Well, yes, we could. But…I’ve seen the US presidential candi- dates. It’s not like we actually have a choice, do we?


The American 31


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