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ateurish and unbelievable, so the film doesn’t even work as a good teen drama with supernatural elements. What a wasted opportunity. All


Overlooked, Forgotten and Dismissed Continuity Terror


THIS ISSUE: LANCE KNOCKS ON WOOD


LOST WOODS Brain Damage Films Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: a group of kids go camping in the woods and get hacked up by hillbillies... Pretty standard stuff, but wait, hang on: there’s also a Sasquatch-looking thing with glowing eyes. Whether or not that little twist interests you, if you choose to watch it, you won’t be able to get past the fact that there’s absolutely no T&A, one of the actors is wearing a really bad mullet wig, and another has the absolute worst fake moustache and a shitty shoe-polish beard that changes its shape and shade from scene


to scene and actually completely disappears during a splash in the lake (!). Come on, people, continuity! Some things just can’t be forgiven. BODY COUNT: 7 LAMEST DEATH: Punctured by a stick


Don’t Forget the Kitchen Sink


KIDS GO TO THE WOODS… KIDS GET DEAD MVD Visual Firstly, I gotta hand it to these guys for coming up with the best title since Terror at Bloodfart Lake. Secondly, they tried to cram in every horror movie cliché ever conceived. There are mean jocks, hot lesbians, scary townies, useless cops, beer, blood, boobs, a gas-mask-wearing killer and even a ouija board thrown in for good measure. The result is a cool cross between campy parody and swanky throwback to classic ’80s slasher films. In fact, the only way that they could have improved it would’ve been to have called it A Bunch


of Stereotypical Slasher-Fodder Kids Go to the Woods and Get Hacked to Death with an Axe. But then again, that would be like George Lucas calling Episode V The Empire Strikes Back and Darth Vader Is Luke’s Dad. BODY COUNT: 13 LAMEST DEATH: Hippie gets his neck ventilated


Erectile Dysfunction


MOURNING WOOD Brain Damage Films Though it starts off with an amazing title sequence that features some impres- sive claymation zombie splatter, this flaccid offering goes limp once it switches over to live action to follow a group of guys who discover that their town is being overrun by zombies. What sets these zombies apart from the brain- munching variety that we all know and love is that these deadites stumble around humping anything that moves – or stands still. And though they appear to be pretty docile, if you get any of their zombie spooge on you – well, you be-


come a stiff with a stiffy too. It’s one of those movies that’s so stupid you’ll want to keep watching it to see how much worse it can get. FYI: a lot! BODY COUNT: 28 LAMEST DEATH: Killed by a can of fart spray


LAST CHANCE LANCE RM38 C I N E M A C A B R E


three young actresses are captivat- ing, and in the world of vampire hunks, we could use more femme fatales. The two scenes in which Harron actually gets to be gory are beautifully bloody; one especially is gloriously gothic. And the ending, in which Rebecca finds out just what is in the basement and takes some action, verges on horrific. But over- all, The Moth Diaries lacks the sex, blood and death even its own characters admit belong in any reputable vampire story. It should have been kept under lock and key. LIISA LADOUCEUR


SEX KILLS


THE LIFE AND DEATH OF A PORNO GANG Starring Mihajlo Jovanovi, Ana Acimovic and


Predrag Damnjanovic Written and directed by Mladen Djordjevic Synapse Films


After decades of war, ethnic cleansing and political repres- sion, it’s no surprise there are deep conflicts boiling within the Serbian cultural shite-geist (thank you, Bowen, for turn- ing me on to that phrase!). But whatever the reason, at least it’s leaving a trail of retinal carnage in its wake, as evi- denced by the latest Balkan Blu-ray to hit our fair shores. Set during the tyrannical reign of Slobodan Miloševi, Life and Death of a Porno Gang tells the tale of Marko (Mihajlo Jovanovic), a frustrated filmmaker who, with his multi- coloured mini-bus full of performing porno freaks – includ- ing a bug-eyed pervert, a large-breasted fetish model, a couple of gay S&M guys and an animal-“loving” transvestite – marauds the back passages of the Serbian countryside. They stop off here and there to put on plays replete with live sex for the benefit of the locals. Said plays include some absurd political satires featuring peasants fuck- ing mounds of earth in the hopes of bringing on a more bountiful harvest. (I won’t tell you what the tranny does to a horse!). Needless to say, it’s only a matter of time before they run into trouble and one is hardly surprised when the entire gang is raped and robbed by a mob of villagers. Left pen- niless and starving, the gang falls prey to an enterprising film producer who offers wads of cash to incorporate real murders into their videos. As each snuff grows more brutal than the last, the gang predictably begins to implode. It may appear to be riding the coattails of A Serbian Film’s infamy but Djordjevic’s concoction predates the movie by about a year and is essentially a follow-up to his documen- tary on the Serbian porn industry, Made in Serbia (also in- cluded on this release). While a few notches higher on the IQ scale, Porno Gang rivals the brutality of its more notorious kissing cousin, although I found myself numb to the shock and horrors on display. Perhaps I’m hopelessly desensitized but I wondered what the point is in watching this when the real-life stuff is far more deranged, and but a few mouse clicks away (as are some really weird videos of horses!). STUART F. ANDREWS


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