sort of strange circumstance. She would often be wearing a mask,
when just that enticing smile proved powerful enough to lead him
on, her white teeth and lovely full lips so seductively close that he
would surface violently from their devouring presence and awaken
bathed in sweat. Then it would be some time before his heart rate
returned to normal and he could sleep again. These sudden and
surreal encounters were a mingling of suspense and voluptuousness,
revulsion and affection, but ended always in a sense of shame. All
these years later he still has no idea of her identity. Sometimes he
can smell her, so real a dream presence is she to him. Her voice
sounds ever far away, veiled, as if she speaks to him from the
bottom of the lagoon.
In busy times of his life he can easily go months without
her awakening him. It seems a century since he last dreamed of
her. Indeed, he had practically forgotten all about her until this
morning. But now she is real!
So disturbed and distressed is he it seems the only solution
is to banish her from his thoughts. But he hardly dare shut his eyes
in case, sleeping, he glides straight into her arms. The very idea is a
nightmare to him, a crushing blow to his vocation, his training as
a priest. Women have never interested him as such, and an acquired
rationality enables him easily to repress his latent feelings and
concentrate his energy upon work. Naturally there have been times
when a particular face, a certain personality, have stirred him. But
then he has always been able to put on a smile of self-possession
and laconically enjoy the passing moment without falling prey to
the uncontrolled and primitive emotions that govern other people’s
lives.
Yet is he really so different? Trembling, he steps out of bed
once more to pour himself another drop of wine. Going over to the
window, he takes a gulp of cool night air. Is he so much better? For
half his life now he has suppressed thoughts of this woman, turned
her into a dream presence of the dark hours, a demon that tries
time and again to seduce him – and so nearly succeeds. Does the
shame not lie more in her failure to do so?
210
197-248 Chapter 5.indd 210 22-11-2007 14:11:15