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II: HER WORDS • Poetry ( Childish Smiles )


Childish smiles wipe off quickly but mine is going pretty strong. Laughter’s the best medicine so I’m trying to hold on to the last remnants of who I used to be. It’s not easy, I think I’m losing me and I’m gaining you. It used to be all fun and games until the mail came through and decided it was time for me to grow up. I’m trying to bail on that too because I’m not done with games and fun yet. I’m not ready for the world to turn to business suits. But I don’t like where I’m at. I can’t say it enough. I’m more honest than I have been, but it’s still half a bluff when I say let’s get on with the growing up.


It’s just that all of this is new to me, new to us. So where we are right now isn’t where we’ll be in a month. Shit, a week, if we’re lucky, there’s a lot of work to be done. And I’m trying. Pessimism is just so much easier, so why bother? Put on a mask of bitterness and the lines start to seem a little less important. The time starts to sink away and leaves you with the most basic version of what you don’t want to be, but at least it hurts a little less than false optimism. I’ve never been fixed so I can’t be broken. Never worn a labeled donned with the promises of your tokens of affection, so I can only imagine what it feels like to be half of a whole. It doesn’t sound like something I’d like; doesn’t sound as nice as being a whole of a whole.


Or maybe I’m just a whole of a hole that needs some filling in. Or maybe digging up, either way there’s something missing. How naïve it is to think that it’s as simple as moving away. Like new scenery will convince me to change. Like a couple hundred miles west it will be easier to be brave. I’ll continue to act, just on a new stage. It’s hard to think like that, but I’m finding my clichés so contradicting that I don’t know which of them write into my movie of a life. Honesty is the best policy but ignorance is bliss. Follow your heart but it’s always playing tricks. Love is blind so fuck that I’ll stick with my 20/20.


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