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live @ the lounge Yeah gidday.

I guess, like me, you're trying to gather some readies for the Christmas spend-up-large-on-induldgent-things. Sadly my free range eggs business has been a total flop. Who knew that if a rooster is lurking about, eggs hatch into chicks. Mother hen is doing well though and the chicks are scratching round the village like a real-estate agent looking for well-heeled first home buyers with a spare mill. or two and hoping to score a do-up over-looking Pollen Island or cop a glimpse of the Whau River. If you have some left over panini or blueberry muffin crumbs, please throw them near the curb but avoid the street please or by the Latin Mass sign. Much appreciated. I still have a few dozen eggs left for sale but my marketing seems to have confused some of you. I threw some sneakers over the power lines to advertise this, which attracted heaps of response but they mainly asked for tinnies? Why they thought I'd be selling 'tin' I have no clue. Must be a coastal thing because the majority had surf boards on the roof of their cars and Bob Marley blaring from their cassette players. In response Jimmy-Jo, yes, I am trying to 'lively up myself and not be no drag' but you try controlling eight chicks and a morally questionable mother hen when the school brats storm off the bus, blindly attempting to see in front of themselves through a ten inch wrap-around fringe while looking at a must-see you-tube clip of a Russian woman slipping over on their smart phones and desperately not wanting to stand out but dying to be noticed by the opposite sex for potential post pubescent procreation. I'd stand a better chance of finding an actual fisherman in the Laingholm fishing club or a Titirangi folk singer without a beard. On a brighter note, Spring’s arrived late, traffic’s bloody impossible

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and the wind lately has had a nasty bite to it. Oh yeah, and I found a few grey hairs in my eyebrow. What's next? Katy Perry tying the knot with Violet Crawley and doing a guest appearance on Downton Abbey or Paul Henry captured leaving Len Brown’s Papatoetoe retreat after a relaxing sleepover? I tell you what, there are times when I agree with my neighbour Bao-Zhi, who wished he'd never left Chongqing. What was his poor mum thinking when she decided that immigrating

to Huia was a bright alternative for her ever growing family. It turns out that the skill of making authentic Kumis from fermented mare's milk, passed down through three hundred generations, does not guarantee a prosperous future in a strange new land that highly values mashed parsnip and carrots. He still gets teary-eyed when raving on about riding his bicycle from Zhongxian to Diajiang to catch a couple of gold fish for wáncán or whiling away the afternoon hours sitting outside the coal factory reading The Golden Lotus by the apparently adorable Jin Ping Mei. Happy days.

Still, life moves on. Shaz is content with her knitting and pottering about in the spud patch. The kids have their play stations. As for me, I think I'll pop down to the Razz with Bao-Zhi for a quick game of checkers. Try and have a nice Christmas. I hope your house isn't broken into

while you’re away and that you don't get sun stroke. And Happy New Year. Technically three billion people celebrate this on January 31 but who cares. Later, Lizard.

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The Fringe DECEMBER 2014 – JANUARY 2015 33





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Photo: Bevis England

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