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shall I kiss every frog that I meet at this party?

By Juliet Gorrie

Maybe this is the time that I grow into the woman I was destined to be – a woman that can stand. I have stood, as if naked, before the world, my emotions raw and my voice quiet.

I am divorced. It has been like walking down a long

road of broken glass in bare feet, trying to heal. It’s been 18 months. I wonder how other people can end a marriage and move on quickly. Yet my heart stumbles like a blind beggar, searching for healing, arms outstretched for something solid to hold onto. I gave my whole heart. I laid it down, looked into another’s soul and felt that I had found my home. A humour that touched a chord, a desire that was truth and a heart that was honest. Yet, now it is broken. At times, this brokenness has led me on a

futile chase. Carelessly, I held a man in my arms, simply because he offered a place of solace in a world of confusion. Nervously I stepped outside the world of my inner boundaries, to test what the ‘world’ had to offer. What was it that I was lacking, that tempted my husband away, that made his heart cold? I can honestly say the search has been fruitless. Inwardly, I cried. “These lips are not my

lover’s lips”, burned across my chest. “They are not his. I know the taste, the softness, the curve of his lips. These lips that touch mine are foreign.” This stranger in my land is not my help, nor my comfort. He is not mine. Gingerly I sat on the fence of my beliefs, watching curiously, considering

whether I would join the games that had opened up before me. Shall I kiss every frog that I meet at this party, in the hope that one will turn into my prince, simply

because I am single and free? Will I hurl anger, when tempted, merely out of hurt and frustration at my ex-husband?

28 NOVEMBER 2014 Will I mock him? Oh, this has been a

relentless journey at times. I have learned though. I will not jump at

the first man that offers me attention, flattery or humour. I choose not to walk that path. My heart desires wholeness and the purity of love. I have tasted of love, and lived in her tenderness. She holds a dignity, an honesty, which leaves me empty without. I want not to stray from her again. I may still be waiting for a breakthrough.

Waiting for the ache, which curls in my chest, to be healed. To be whole again. To be free. Yet, I know, that to all things there is a purpose and a season. I may be in winter, but spring will come. The flowers will bloom; the days will become warm and lazy again. I will walk in the sunshine of my faith refuelled. I may struggle, but to this I am holding – that even in the midst of winter a work is in progress. Beneath the surface of circumstance, inner seeds of change are growing. New character is emerging. I may have preferred a different path – a road less jagged, but on this path, strength is building. What is being added to my former person, I ponder? A compassion that is based on experience, more than mere words? A grace that is a depth of heart, not just a word that I soak in? A belief that

good can come from the deepest of pains? Maybe this is the time that I grow into the woman I was destined to be – a woman that can stand. I have stood, as if naked, before the world,

my emotions raw and my voice quiet. “Why is this pain not moving?”, I have whispered to the Universe. “Where is your comfort,

your healing touch, to soften this blow?” Yet I hear nothing. I call to my God that holds up the heavens

and say, “Please heal your daughter! I am broken!” Yet I hear nothing. No audible voice from the heavens, no soothing of the beating in my chest. The scene does not change before my eyes. There is no freedom from the past. At times, I have pointed accusing fingers

and apportioned blame. I have been betrayed, yet I have also been the betrayer. I have discovered that sometimes the miraculous is not instant. It is a journey. The miracle can be crawling through the darkness of the valley and coming out the other side standing tall. Turning circumstances, which have gathered dirt, pain and dross in your life, into something of value and worth. So, that the gold within you can shine. This journey has tested the very core

of who I am and what I believe. It has brought me to my knees. This journey has highlighted my flaws and weaknesses, like bright red flags waving in the breeze for the world to see. Yet, it has also brought to light my strength – an inner resilience that I will stand. Even though I stumble, I will stand. n

Juliet Gorrie lives in the rural country town of Wagga Wagga, New South Wales. She writes short personal essays about the challenges of life and the circumstances that inspire us to

look a little deeper within ourselves. She has a sense of adventure for the great outdoors and loves the uniqueness of the Australian outback. Juliet lives with her three children, two dogs and one unruly cat.


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