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LEOJul 24 - Aug 23 Eating Subway each day because you’re one of the deluded buggers that think it is “healthy” has left you less Jack Wills and more Jacamo. If you wanna go full retard, try dieting Kevin Trudeau-style; abduct some pregnant ladies, make them drink lots and wee into a syringe then inject yourself with their piddle. I would have been unsure as to whether you’d go for it, but then you do think TOWIE is actually real. Lucky Day: April 30th

AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 Responding to theAdvertiser’s personals page can be a minefield but when you stumble across “Clive, 103, looking for anyone aged 19-20.5, first aid trained, GSOH, OMG, CONJUNCTIVITIS, looking for intercourse… maybe more” you know you’ve stumbled across a keeper. Lucky day: April 24th

PISCESFeb 20 - Mar 20 You consider a change of career this month as the Papal vacancy is advertised in the local Evening News. Having run out of potential candidates that haven’t taken young constituents confessions while they were sitting on their laps, or at the least, haven’t imagined bum-raping the cast of Father Ted, you’re suddenly looking like a viable candidate.Lucky Day: April 9th

TAURUSApr 21 - May 21 If you fancy the joys of Alton Towers, but can’t be arsed to travel, why not visit City Hall and attempt to renew your parking permit. Revel in having to queue in order to get a ticket… to join another queue, that isn’t actually the queue you were supposed to be in because you were given the wrong ticket. After being spoken to like shit and listening to the dulcet tones of benefit fraud, you’ll leave feeling sicker than twenty consecutive goes on Nemesis. Lucky Day: April 7th

GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22 Your approach to courtship has all the subtlety of Barry Scott, and rather than thwacking your love lumps in your muse’s face why not try the age old techniques of conversation, gifts, or copious amounts of alcohol. If you manage to seduce said love-interest, that’s when Barry’s sex bible can help…BANG! BANG! BANG! Lucky Day: April 14th

CANCERJun 23 - Jul 23 Spending your life musically

challenged has left you ostracised from

your friends and family; thankfully a chance encounter with a cow bell has the benefit of being both just inside your musical ability and is also, conveniently, the most awesome instrument in existence. Now you can clonk away to your hearts content. Soon you’ll be supporting Coldplay, and God knows they could use a little bit of awesomeness.Lucky Day: April 3rd

10 /April 2013/

VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 23 Sweet. Ass. Penis. You are in luck this month as your nearest and dearest manage to wangle you some front row seats for Loose Women. Tey’ve even arranged for you to meet Carol McGuff-face, inappropriately touch Janet-Street Porter and… April Fool! *Guffaws* No-one hates you enough to inflict that shitstorm on you, no; you’re off to Tis Morning to fondle the grey fox himself…woo!! #BackoffEamonnHolmes. Lucky Day: April 1st

LIBRASep 24 - Oct 23 Your powers to disappoint know no bounds Libra, missing numerous important engagements as a result of being fully ensconced in Sim City is bad enough, but neglecting your virtual family is a step too far, all little Timmy wanted was a working shower! I’m guessing you were one of those sick bastards that let your Tamagotchi die so you could mock its pixelated demise. Lucky day: April 25th

SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22 A few too many Easter eggs to celebrate Jesus inventing the chocolatefountain leads to an intimate rendezvous with a “Mr. Bunny”, unfortunately that rabbit has been ‘burrowing’ every rabbit and pigeon in / outside / beneath HMV,

and just doesn’t have time for you. DJ Myxomatosis on the other hand looks well up for a long-term love-in. Lucky Day: April 16th

SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 Passover was a bit of a disaster; having to substitute unleavened bread (mmm unleavened bread) for Ryvita and sacrificing George Lamb because Larry was unavailable, has caused outrage among housewives across the country. You’ll have to go Bruce Lee on their buttocks to defend yourself; use Ant & Dec cutouts as distraction, then… WAPOW! Primetime TV will make you craaaazy!Lucky Day: April 11th

CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan 23 An impending lunar eclipse signifies that something or someone (I’m looking at you Dave) is blocking your route to the top, well… smash ‘em up! How dare they fuck with your dream of working at Primarché!Lucky Day: April 21st

ARIESMar 21 - Apr 20 Responding to the Advertiser’s personals page can be a minefield but when you stumble across “Clive, 103, looking for anyone aged 19-20.5, first aid trained, GSOH, OMG, CONJUNCTIVITIS, looking for intercourse… maybe more” you know you’ve stumbled across a keeper. Lucky Day: April 24th

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