Hey ya’ll, I’m back! Richard Waggoner is taking a much needed break this month from his writing duties and I’m filling in for him. As I’m a nationally recognized bicycle authority, specializing in bicycle history and trivia, I often fill in for the regular contribu- tors to FreeWheelin’ whenever possible. Many of you seemed to enjoy my modest offering pertaining to the invention of the bicycle and it’s relation to the extinction of the Woodruff that appeared here several months ago. Who could have guessed that such an elegant machine as the velocipede could have come from the demise of the noi- some fowl? Strange, but true. This month, I’d like to explain some of the bicycle arcana that can frequently confound the new or ca- sual rider. I refer specifically to the Cat sys- tem of ranking.
The Cat system is a method of ranking riders and works in reverse order, a closely guarded secret, kept by the French, as are many things incomprehensible to the gener- al public. I, however, recently visited France through somewhat devious means and have learned the secret of this marvelous concept which I will now reveal to you, gentle reader. I endured many hardships and great peril to unveil this hermetic philosophy, including a form of torture commonly known in France as “cheese-boarding” a brutal round of ver- bal abuse, none of which I understood. And yet, here I am, back here in Bucksnap. GA and ready to enlighten you all.
The system of ranking runs from 5 to 1, hence a Cat 5 rider is less adept than a Cat 1 rider. The reason for this has been long accepted without much consideration as to why this must be. The reason, as I now know, is simply because a Cat 5 rider requires the combined effort of a total of 5 cats to move the bicycle forward, whereas the Cat 1 rider requires the efforts of only one cat to ac- complish the same result. While many of us
28 May 2012
have enjoyed countless hours or even days of pleasure watching different cats playing the piano, chasing bugs, watching the tele- vision and helping French political philoso- phers type their doctoral thesis’ on YouTube, no one was aware of the integral role they play in international cycling decisions. And yet, for the past 50 years now, hidden deep within the French Alps a special Velodrome has existed devoted solely to recording and quantifying the efforts of bicycle riding cats. I am constrained from revealing the exact location of this facility on pain of death by immersion in used litter.
I need to elucidate at this point and reveal another little known secret. This is that cats are smarter than dogs. Cats are smarter than pigs as well, an animal with which we are in- timately familiar here in Bucksnap, GA. Cats may actually be even smarter than humans. You have to acknowledge that you’ve never seen a cat chase a car or a bicycle, right? You can train a dog to chase a thrown stick over and over again, but you will never see a cat do this. Try it sometime and the clever feline will give you that look. You know the look; the look you get when you call for little Felix in your tenderest tones - “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Come in the house now, kitty.” Said cat will give you the look that makes it clear who’s really in charge and head off in the other direction. And when did you last see a cat leap up and down maniacally behind a chain link fence, frothing at the mouth and making an unholy racket just because a bi- cycle passed by? These “animals” are clearly crafty enough to have manipulated us all these years into feeding and housing them with very little effort on their part beyond the occasional curl up on your feet while napping. However, leave it to the French to discover the secret. Cats love bicycling.
I’m sure you can appreciate the challenges inherit in allowing cats to ride bicycles. They’re a good deal smaller than many of us, being a good three or four inches shorter and several pounds lighter than your average Euskadel climber. The bicycles have had to be modified for many of them and yet, once securely in the pedals cats become formida- ble cyclists. The ranking numbers, of course, come from the number of cats required to power each velocipede. For a Cat 5 ranking, the bikes have been modified with longer
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crank arms and special support attachments to allow the felines to reach the pedals and handlebars. This is because a Cat 5 means literally that; five house cats are required to move the cycle forward. So a Cat 5 rider has the equivalent power of five basic tabby’s. Many Cat 5 riders have much the same at- titude and perspective of five house cats. Forget about trying to get them to follow directions.
The ranking continues with Cat 4, wherein only four bobcats are needed in this instance. Cat 3 riders have been found to have the ability of three Tasmanian Wolfcats, which are actually marsupials. Like marsupials, Cat 3 riders carry their offspring in their jersey pockets and are good jumpers. The French authorities labored long and diligently over the Cat 2 ranking, finally concluding that these riders were closely modeled on the leopard - two of them, naturally. Like the leopard, they are excellent climbers, though they often refuse to come down from their trees and are given to sulks. Without doubt, as you might expect, the Cat 1 rider is matched by the cheetah, incredibly fast in a sprint and totally focused once they have their prey in sight. The downside is that, like the cheetah they can tend towards emotional displays out of proportion to actual events.
Who but a posse of French scientists, filled to bursting with smelly cheese and Chateau Margaux could have discovered such a rare secret. They tried their best to keep me out of their hidden bicycle laboratories but once I’d spent twenty minutes reading existential philosophy to them with an emphasis on Sartre, they became hypnotized and pliant and I was able to observe the complete test- ing process. Once the philosophy wore off, unfortunately they became wroth and I had to beat a hasty retreat without being able to
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