DONALD E. SANDERS DVM, OSU LARGE ANIMAL FIELD SERVICE


Doc’s Talk Schmallenberg, Schmatzenheinmer,


Schlitzenheizer — which is it? A new virus that few people have heard of, Schmallenberg virus is the new viral dis- ease sweeping through European Union herds and flocks. It is similar to blue- tongue disease but not nearly as deadly. It is carried by biting insects called midges and possibly mosquitoes. It causes fever, diarrhea and a drop in


milk production in dairy cows. Sheep and other ruminants experience only fever and diarrhea. It may also cause abortions and deformities in calves and lambs, especially freezing leg joints into grotesque malpositions. Newborn ani- mals that survive have either flaccid paralysis or are hyperexcitable, stagger- ing and, in many cases, blind.


Schmallenberg disease was first diag-


nosed in Schmallenberg, Germany. In 2012 it spread to England. More than 200 farms in England now have infected animals. They exhibit symptoms such as loss of pregnancies, stillbirths, deformities and a loss in milk production. It is believed that in 2012 the virus-carrying midge (a tiny gnat) was blown by the wind from Germany across the Channel to England. Officials in the United States are now


“atwitter” over concerns about the virus spreading to the United States, though at this point there is no evidence it poses a threat to humans. The official agency that monitors foreign disease threats is the Animal, Plant Health Inspection Service (APHIS), a branch of the United States Department of Agriculture. These are the folks at cus- toms that throw out any agricultural produce that you might bring back when returning to the United States. I learned that lesson well when they threw out my $200 Kobe steak, which I brought back from Japan. They are also the folks that monitor health test documentation on animals or


TIM REEVES


The Country Chaplain


This year, April 15 is Holy Humor


Sunday. Holy Humor Sunday has tradi- tionally been celebrated on the first Sunday after Easter in recognition of the “joke” God played on the devil, who thought he had won with Jesus’ death on the cross. But God outsmarted the old deceiver, thus the call for Holy Humor! In honor of Holy Humor Sunday, I


thought I’d combine humor with my favorite sport, golf, and share some humorous golf stories.


Here’s the first story: Two friends were playing golf one


day and they decided that unlike other rounds of golf, today they’d play by the rules, including no improving their golf ball’s position. Well, after a couple holes, the first friend’s golf ball landed on the asphalt cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball and move it off the cart path (as the rules do allow!!), the other friend wouldn’t let him. “We agreed to play by strict rules,”


he said. No matter how much the first friend


tried to explain that he was entitled by the rules to move his golf ball off the cart path, the second friend would not allow it. So the first friend went back to the cart and got a club. As he stood over the ball, he took a few practice swings, each time heavily scraping the club on the pave- ment, taking out big chunks of the black- top and sending up sparks. Finally, after several of these noisy practice swings, with the club showing very visible dam- age, the first friend hit the ball, which


landed on the green about six feet from the hole. “Great shot,” the second friend


exclaimed, “What club did you use?” The first friend looked at him, smiled


and simply said, “Your five iron.” Second story A die-hard golfer was trying to


squeeze in some golf before a storm struck. He was playing the round of his life and had reached the 15th hole when the storm hit with a vengeance. His second shot landed near the largest tree on the course. He quickly approached the ball, set himself up and just as he took his 5 iron to the top of the swing, a gigantic bolt of lightning flashed down from the sky, catching him with his steel-shafted club at its highest point. His friends hurried over to see there was only a large crater beside the tree and no sight of the golfer or his clubs. Well, when he reached the pearly


gates, St. Peter said to him: “Son, we’re sorry to have taken you at such an early age. However, because you love the game so much, and you had the round of your life going, we decided to bring to Heaven both you and your clubs that you love so dearly. Now you can play all the courses in Heaven which are infinitely more incredible than any course you’ve ever played on Earth.” At that, the man started crying, to


which St. Peter said, “Yes, I know, it’s sad because you have left so many loved ones behind.” “No, that’s not it at all,” the avid


golfer said. St. Peter was stumped and asked,


“Well, then, what could make you so unhappy that you would cry like a three-year-old girl.” The golfer looked up as tears flood-


ed from his eyes and said, “Because I left my putter back on the 14th green!!”


germplasm, such as boar or bull semen and embryos being brought to this country. The APHIS folks cover a host of responsibilities that are unseen by most of the public. When Great Britain had the huge foot and mouth disease outbreak several years ago — you guessed it — the Secretary of Agriculture sent veterinary experts from this agency. Contagious diseases are always a


concern. The USDA has assigned APHIS the responsibility of eradicating from the national herd of cattle, swine and other food animals diseases such as tuberculosis, brucellosis and classical swine fever. I, for one, appreciate the effort APHIS makes to protect us from foreign diseases and bioterrorism that threaten health, safety and the economic well being of the U.S. agriculture. But there is a fly in the ointment.


During this time of heightened disease issues and bioterrorism, the APHIS budget is being cut as a part of the USDA budget. It has been projected that APHIS may have to operate on two- thirds of its normal budget when taking


Third story Want to know why golf is better than


other sports. Here’s why: · Unlike baseball, golfers don’t grab


themselves in private areas before hitting the ball or spit tobacco juice or sunflower seeds on national television. · Unlike boxing, golfers don’t chomp


on each other’s ears or punch other play- ers below the belt. · Unlike tennis, golfers don’t grunt


like cavemen with every shot. · Unlike auto racing, spectators don’t


have to breathe noxious fumes or be forced to listen to “Achy Breaky Heart” on the loud speaker. · Unlike football, golfers don’t tell the


officials to do things to themselves that are physically impossible. · Unlike wrestling, the spectators have


all their teeth. Fourth story


Here are some truisms about golf. · If you want to get better at golf, go


back and take it up at an earlier age. · No matter how bad you are playing,


it’s always possible to play even worse. · Golfers who claim they don’t cheat,


also lie. · The less skilled the player, the more


likely he/she is to share ideas on how to improve your golf swing. · The shortest distance between any


two points on a golf course is always through the center of a very large tree. · You can hit a two-acre fairway 10%


of the time and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time. · Never try to teach golf to your wife. · The more your golf opponent quotes


the rules, the greater the certainty that he/she cheats. · Golf balls are like eggs; both are


white and sold by the dozen, plus a week after you’ve bought a dozen, you need to go back and buy more. · A ball you can see in the tall grass from 50 yards away is never yours.


· If you see two golf balls in the sand


bunker, yours will be the one in the five- inch deep footprint left by another golfer. · And finally (and this is critically


important!!!) never buy a putter, a driver or any other golf club until you’ve had a chance to throw it.


Fifth story A bride came down the aisle of the


church and when she got the altar, she saw the groom standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. “What are your golf clubs doing


here,” she asked. He looked her right in the eyes and


said, “Well, this isn’t going to take all day, is it?”


Last story A pastor was playing golf one day on


his favorite course. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot when he heard someone yell, “Fore!” and a golf ball slammed into his back. The golfer who made the shot rushed up to the pastor to offer his apologies. When the pastor assured him he was alright, the man smiled and said, “Thank goodness. I’ve been playing golf for 40 years and now I can finally tell my friends that I’ve hit my first holy one.” I’ll end on that note!!! God bless until


next month. Ohio’s Country Journal • ocj.com • Mid-April 2012 31


previous budgetary cuts into account. We all have read about the USDA


having the largest budget of any gov- ernmental department. And that is true, except few know that the USDA budget also includes financial support for food stamps, Aid to Dependent Children and the Women, Infants and Children pro- gram. As a matter of fact, welfare sup- port programs account for more than 80% of the USDA’s budget. I don’t bring this up to criticize aid to those who need it. The issue is that many individu- als assume, due to the size of the USDA budget, that farmers get a huge payout in financial aid for developing conserva- tion programs or not planting crops. This is one of those times, that to


protect our national food supply, Congress should step up and budget funds for APHIS. We cannot afford to shortchange surveillance of foreign ani- mal diseases that threaten agriculture. This isn’t the time to let up on our country’s disease surveillance, which is an essential defense of America in this era of bioterrorism and newly discov- ered diseases.


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